breaking out of the shell
magnificant week of recovery for me... after the last conversation wif bing, i woke finally realising everything has been as she said "impossible" ...
i think for the past three months, the emotional, mental and physical struggles has taken a toll on me... i am so tired.. so tired....for the past 3 months, pressures of exams, the break up, the hurt bing gave me.. my efforts to reflect , work, my push to paint straight after werk.. i literally wake up at 730 am and wld go to bed earliest 2am... the pain... the sadness,... the 'whys' ... the lost.. the remorse... nvr experienced so much pain b4... and i am really tired le...
when i realised its all over for us, whr she actually said how evil a person i am.. i noe she will nvr accept me again. although still puzzled by wat she said ( she actually felt like that while she is wif me? judging me by my actions and not the person inside me... condemmed me to my doom..at one pt i finally found a little bit of hate for her... ) ...however wat she said had taken a huge huge burden off my shoulders... i realised its no longer impt or not, holding it , our relationship any longer... she left me for good. perhaps its that little bit of hatred for her that helps , that hatred whr she can onli judge me thru my negative actions and nvr think deep wat kind of person i am, the hatred whr she wldn't credit me for the happiness i gave her, the love, the memories...yes, hatred for ignoring the memories which means so much to me... and lastly not giving me to chance to change, overwrite my efforts to reflect, the struggles i been thru for the past 3 months to realise my mistakes and change,... calls me a animal who can't change its spots.. actually of all the words she used to hurt me, i nvr once blamed her... becoz i love her... i still do... but somehow she let me saw another side of her that i haven't seen b4... her perspective of seeing things.. hai nvm , at times i still wldn;t believe wat i saw of bing.. but its really poinitless now~
wah tell u smth man, i actually slept throughout the week like a polar bear!! mondae, i werk the go back , slept at 8 pm all the way to morning, this carried on for tues and thurs... wed is supposed to be the same, i slept at 8 om then 12 am jiaxin and hanxiong came down to 848 and we chatted and ate supper~ i realised i have many common interest wif hanxiong~ cept for the fact that i am liverpuldian while he is a hardcore chelsea blues~ haha then ard 2 am we climbed the fence over the navel base pri sch , our old sch.. wah everything changed man.. we visited their toilets, so farnie... they even gt their own golf club! after that i went home at 4am plus... didn;t went back to sleep.. , i was thinking me and bing actually studied the same sch when we are young, i imagined a scene whr we cross paths in sch, but we dun noe each other... who wld have tot she could gave me so much memories... so much happy memories.. if there is a delorean , i wld go back ask my young self to befriend her... say hi or smth like that... haha... life is so special... so special to find that special person u love so much. yet the love has onli developed more than 10 over years later.... but sadly it died shortly after... still i really cherish this relationship in my heart.. at the end of the day, whr we put down all our diffrences, i touch my heart... its still bing that i love dearly...
this thought went on for awhile, abit emotional towards the end... luckily jiaxin haven sleep, i go online and saw her thr, like she is always thr wif me for this darkest period of my life.. i am really really grateful for that, she is really a nice person~ thks buddy!
though i have decided never to touch mahjong and gamling again, yesterdae i gio qingbing and yongyou for mahjong~ haha i planned this for jiaxin, i noe she lovessss to play mahjong but always cldn't find kaki,she off yesterdae so i gio her over for mahjong~ haha glad to cheer her up in any way i can~ oh~ jiaxin actually joined the SOS volunteer werk~ as for me i applied to be volunteer at SAdeaf , i am learning sign language now~ i think i will devote one day of the week to those whom in need... why did i choose SAdeaf? hmm dunno, maybe becoz i experienced the feeling of imagine being trapped in a sealed dark box...no matter how u shout no one hears... no matter how pple outside shout u can't hear... i experienced this during my depression and the daes i miss bing so much yet i can't tell her or anyone... she wldn't care abt me whether i am dead or not anyway ... that feeling of not beinng able to express ur emotions to anyone... i think deaf and mute pple experienced that all the time ba... plus i do volunteer work becoz the pain i go thru is nuthin compared to the pain these deaf children been thru~
to round up the events for the week, my body finally got the rest it deserved, i have been pushing myself too hard.. sometimes we do need a break, so that we can walk a longer journey~ right? haha oh gerrad finally signed a 4 yr contract todae! after he broke his promise to stay at liverpool despite saying he will stay after winning the champions league he broke his promise on mondae when offered a contract worth 100000 per week believing liverpool wan to cash him off to other club so that they can use the money to finance other players... i was like wat?? my shattered heart breaks again man...hours after this news broke out, gangster club, chelsea immediately bid 32 million rising to 40 millions pounds for gerrard! liverpool onli got 24 hours to clear things up wif gerrard, it turn out to be a communication break down btw the player and the club... the liverpool chief executive , rick parry (2nd in command) actually calls gerrad and had a heart to heart tok wif gerrard... the misunderstanding finally cleared... in wat is described as a emotional night, gerrard made a last min u-turn to stay in the club! and i got the news first hand!! haha i was like waiting in office at 4.15pm(the time when the club website release its news) 4.15:" latest rick parry called liverpooltv to say gerrard is staying... reports shortly.." 4.17pm " gerrard stays!-- full report " haha wah phew... thk god he stayed!! i really cldn't think anyone in the world now can replace him lor~ i mean gerrard is a world class player, he can win more trophies, paid higher and able to choose to play in any club in europe yet he choose to stay in liverpool , the club he supported as a boy.. sob... dramamama .....haha i siao liao... ok and lastly..........
" whr is my pay???" arhh how come azhar they all got their pay liao except me! ahhh, mondae got to go H.R to sort this out!
i think for the past three months, the emotional, mental and physical struggles has taken a toll on me... i am so tired.. so tired....for the past 3 months, pressures of exams, the break up, the hurt bing gave me.. my efforts to reflect , work, my push to paint straight after werk.. i literally wake up at 730 am and wld go to bed earliest 2am... the pain... the sadness,... the 'whys' ... the lost.. the remorse... nvr experienced so much pain b4... and i am really tired le...
when i realised its all over for us, whr she actually said how evil a person i am.. i noe she will nvr accept me again. although still puzzled by wat she said ( she actually felt like that while she is wif me? judging me by my actions and not the person inside me... condemmed me to my doom..at one pt i finally found a little bit of hate for her... ) ...however wat she said had taken a huge huge burden off my shoulders... i realised its no longer impt or not, holding it , our relationship any longer... she left me for good. perhaps its that little bit of hatred for her that helps , that hatred whr she can onli judge me thru my negative actions and nvr think deep wat kind of person i am, the hatred whr she wldn't credit me for the happiness i gave her, the love, the memories...yes, hatred for ignoring the memories which means so much to me... and lastly not giving me to chance to change, overwrite my efforts to reflect, the struggles i been thru for the past 3 months to realise my mistakes and change,... calls me a animal who can't change its spots.. actually of all the words she used to hurt me, i nvr once blamed her... becoz i love her... i still do... but somehow she let me saw another side of her that i haven't seen b4... her perspective of seeing things.. hai nvm , at times i still wldn;t believe wat i saw of bing.. but its really poinitless now~
wah tell u smth man, i actually slept throughout the week like a polar bear!! mondae, i werk the go back , slept at 8 pm all the way to morning, this carried on for tues and thurs... wed is supposed to be the same, i slept at 8 om then 12 am jiaxin and hanxiong came down to 848 and we chatted and ate supper~ i realised i have many common interest wif hanxiong~ cept for the fact that i am liverpuldian while he is a hardcore chelsea blues~ haha then ard 2 am we climbed the fence over the navel base pri sch , our old sch.. wah everything changed man.. we visited their toilets, so farnie... they even gt their own golf club! after that i went home at 4am plus... didn;t went back to sleep.. , i was thinking me and bing actually studied the same sch when we are young, i imagined a scene whr we cross paths in sch, but we dun noe each other... who wld have tot she could gave me so much memories... so much happy memories.. if there is a delorean , i wld go back ask my young self to befriend her... say hi or smth like that... haha... life is so special... so special to find that special person u love so much. yet the love has onli developed more than 10 over years later.... but sadly it died shortly after... still i really cherish this relationship in my heart.. at the end of the day, whr we put down all our diffrences, i touch my heart... its still bing that i love dearly...
this thought went on for awhile, abit emotional towards the end... luckily jiaxin haven sleep, i go online and saw her thr, like she is always thr wif me for this darkest period of my life.. i am really really grateful for that, she is really a nice person~ thks buddy!
though i have decided never to touch mahjong and gamling again, yesterdae i gio qingbing and yongyou for mahjong~ haha i planned this for jiaxin, i noe she lovessss to play mahjong but always cldn't find kaki,she off yesterdae so i gio her over for mahjong~ haha glad to cheer her up in any way i can~ oh~ jiaxin actually joined the SOS volunteer werk~ as for me i applied to be volunteer at SAdeaf , i am learning sign language now~ i think i will devote one day of the week to those whom in need... why did i choose SAdeaf? hmm dunno, maybe becoz i experienced the feeling of imagine being trapped in a sealed dark box...no matter how u shout no one hears... no matter how pple outside shout u can't hear... i experienced this during my depression and the daes i miss bing so much yet i can't tell her or anyone... she wldn't care abt me whether i am dead or not anyway ... that feeling of not beinng able to express ur emotions to anyone... i think deaf and mute pple experienced that all the time ba... plus i do volunteer work becoz the pain i go thru is nuthin compared to the pain these deaf children been thru~
to round up the events for the week, my body finally got the rest it deserved, i have been pushing myself too hard.. sometimes we do need a break, so that we can walk a longer journey~ right? haha oh gerrad finally signed a 4 yr contract todae! after he broke his promise to stay at liverpool despite saying he will stay after winning the champions league he broke his promise on mondae when offered a contract worth 100000 per week believing liverpool wan to cash him off to other club so that they can use the money to finance other players... i was like wat?? my shattered heart breaks again man...hours after this news broke out, gangster club, chelsea immediately bid 32 million rising to 40 millions pounds for gerrard! liverpool onli got 24 hours to clear things up wif gerrard, it turn out to be a communication break down btw the player and the club... the liverpool chief executive , rick parry (2nd in command) actually calls gerrad and had a heart to heart tok wif gerrard... the misunderstanding finally cleared... in wat is described as a emotional night, gerrard made a last min u-turn to stay in the club! and i got the news first hand!! haha i was like waiting in office at 4.15pm(the time when the club website release its news) 4.15:" latest rick parry called liverpooltv to say gerrard is staying... reports shortly.." 4.17pm " gerrard stays!-- full report " haha wah phew... thk god he stayed!! i really cldn't think anyone in the world now can replace him lor~ i mean gerrard is a world class player, he can win more trophies, paid higher and able to choose to play in any club in europe yet he choose to stay in liverpool , the club he supported as a boy.. sob... dramamama .....haha i siao liao... ok and lastly..........
" whr is my pay???" arhh how come azhar they all got their pay liao except me! ahhh, mondae got to go H.R to sort this out!
posted by Bryan at 7:04 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home