great morning~

This morning when i wake up, the sky is dark and drizzling outside my window... strangely, the usual sense of lost didn't overcome me todae...juz wat bing said last night flashing across my head constantly...

i got up, brush my teeth... had my usual tea and read my newspapers... still the sense of lost is not there...as i walked towards the bus stop thought abt it... then i realised bing has unknowingly answered the qns to my heart... the reason why she wldn't accpet me again no matter wat i do... i finally noe why

all the things, flaws she said abt me, and the way she treats me... tells alot wat she is thinking... i wondered if she had bottled up all these thoughts constantly over the years or she thought abt it after the break up... i really dunno... if she has bottled up these over the years, then is she cheating on me?after all she did cheat on me b4(smoking), she too,after all assured me i am not a lousy bf to her, and these deep thoughts she told me last night, she nvr mentioned to me before, and claims that i didn't gave a a chance to say... she said she gave me many chances, chances she gave but not known to me... but obviously to her, its very hard to tok to me.., she likes to do things she thought, and assumed the person i am wldn't give her a chance to say anything,... perhaps she is right ba, in the past i always try to prove my pt and didn't listen to her... but she actually thinks i actually enjoy doin wat i did to my family... despite knowing me for 5 yrs .... speaks alot wat is she thinking and the misconceptions she have had abt me..., guess i really cldn't understand her , and same she thought she understand me well enough to actually KNOW wat a person i am... guess both of us nvr quite undersand each other after all...
and obviously.. wat ever i do now wun mean anything to her...

its amazing how one can remember and state so clearly the flaws of the person u love,... and not consider the good the person has in him/her, the things he/she did and the happiness he/she brought to another person..... i hear anger and frustration in bing's tone on msn yesterdae.. she didn't even wish to hear my voice... jiaxin says i am too simple minded in wat girl think, i think i am beginning to think she is right... now i think back wat yanli said to bing abt how they wun even be frens if they aren't sis.. reminds me of one of those days i saw how bing toks to yanli at home... things she herself told me how she hurts her mum a few years back when she is younger, her temperament, and the fact that she did cheated on me behind my back... i onli found out she smoke when i found the lighter... these things as bing said to me are all facts , ' u are wat u are' ...that means shld i believe that the real bing is in fact another person? that no matter wat she do she can't change becoz inside her is wat she realli is~ am i expected to believe this when i noe bing has been trying all these yrs to become a better person herself, based on wat bings says, i can onli change my behaviour and not the real me.. does that apply the same to her too?... and now she is a better person she didn't give others a chance? (she didn't give me a chance) ,tok abt forgiving in buddism...nvm... i wun go into that... pretty pointless now... no pt pointing finger now, becoz she wld htinking i am always proving my pt and all that... blah blah its really pointless now...hmm thinking back, she keep saying she said very clearly why we broke up...and i shldn't keep toking to her abt it anymore yet its onli yesterdae i realise she is holding all these thoughts.. even the flaws i have i have to painfully reflect and realise on my own... has she been clear so far? i guess no.

why didn't i think of all these in the past? i am too obssessed in wanting bing back , i onli rememebers the good and happiness she brings to me.. which explains why i onli mentions the happy memories we have together.... somehow wat bing said yesterdae managed to opened another 'eye' in my mind to look at things in another pt of view... if i think like her 'u are wat u are' then i wld have broken up wif her when i knew she betrayed my trust for her.. (she didn't noe how much she hurt me at that pt of time, when i found out myself wat she did) and when i saw how she treats her sis... i didn't becoz i know i still love her, i know she loves her sis alot.. she is not like that... i guess i understand her actions becoz she and i is very alike ba... i noe she dun mean it.. she is a loving person at heart.~ guess in a way i am more forgiving than her ba..

anyway , frm wat bing said yesterdae, somehow tells me that no matter wat i did wldn't change anything becoz the misconceptions she had abt me( can't believe she onli believes my actions and not the real motive and personality i am behind all those actions , this after 5 yrs together... abit yi han) ... i can't change her mentallity becoz its entirely up to her.. sorry jiaxin, our efforts during the weekend has probably gone down the waste... i was thinking of baking some chocolate chip cookies for bing , going to pass to her todae, i even made the paper bag to put those cookies, guess its really pointless to give her now, the fact that she dosen't wish to see me or even appreciate my efforts, ... hai...nvm, its alright.. wo kan kai le...hmm even though i fail at least 6 times baking the cookies based on the recipe from the net, going up n down to and fro ntuc and home , i am really glad i finally made it! i finally know how to bake chocolate cookies!! no need to buy famous amous liao haha, tks jiaxin , u really been a great great buddy!! she heard how i failed so many times, she offered to come my house to help me~~ sob great fren~

even though bing is still holding on to the conceptions of wat a person i am b4 the break up, i believe i myself have moved on... the reflections i did over the past 2 months will not go to waste, its the first time in my life i reflected so deeply... and i believed it had changed my thinking and mentallity abt things ard me especially my love ones... and looking back i am glad i made those reflections , even though in the beginning i am doing it for her... but now i feel that i am doing it for myself... i lost her.. but i did gain some other things that are precious as well, guess god is not entirely unfair to me~ (^_-) , but no matter wat i have to thks bing for telling me to become a better person, i still love u alot, and from the way u didn't answer my qns whther u still love me, i know u still love me too.... i am really grateful for all the wonderful memories we have had together... it will be wif me till the day i grow old and die...

well in a way i am still holding on to the love i have for bing, she said we can nvr be together, well perhaps ba... but i prefer to let things takes its own course... perhaps my dream gal is really out there waiting for me... or better, me and bing can be back together again ooo.. though its now a dream rather than a reality possibly , until my love for her isn't so passive anymore i wun love another girl... that wld take probably takes a long time to heal ba~ (^_^)
i once believe bing and i is a fairy tale comes true... imagine finding someone so alike~ think its like one in a million... though she doesn't believes in fairy tales anymore, i still do... despite all the realities in life, i feel that everyone of us shld keep a space in our life for fairy tales to grow... has bing n i fairy tale ended? clearly seems so... well i really dunno. fairy tales always have unexpected outcomes.....but fairy tales had mostly ended happy endings... though me n bing didn't, at least she did gave me a feeling of living inside a fairy tale before... feeling of real happiness.. and i thank her gratefully for that.. thks bing.. u means everything to me~ luv u

hey the sun has come out straight after i reach MCYS, great morning after all~ :D