jia you!

lovely isn't she?

She is the girl of my life....

she makes everything around me meaningful...

She is yanbing (^_^)!

I have been really depressed these days... i noe i shldn't but i still did...this depression juz got to stop here.. i have been thinking.. why drown myself wif sadness? why allow this depression to take over my mind? if i keep feeling sad and miserable , wldn't it affect those pple ard me?

even though i have been tryin to hide my emotions from my parents, everydae i camouflage my tears wif the shower inside the bathroom, once i step outside the bathroom, i have to act my usual self again in front of my family members.. i joke, smiled, picker wif sis,mum and dad~ dun wan them to worry...dun wish them to see me like this...

xian, you been working so hard to change, to learn so much abt appreciating, treasuring, protecting, and spreading the love ard u... u thrown ur pride and idiotic principles away, totally focused urself in finding who u are as a person, those long reflections of urself, those mental struggles to come to terms wif these bad kharmas u have planted long time ago... those long hours of battles alone btw the u and ur old self... long hours of fighting guilt, remorse and regrets... if u are going to let urself into depression again, all these efforts are going to go down the drain... dun make the same mistakes again~ watch ur mind u must! it is my response to the setback that matters~ dwelling on mistakes can't change anything~i have to keep a clear mind to do wat i have to do..

Ultimately, will bing be happy to see u like this? more importanly, will she accept me again if i am like this? NO! she wun! how can she have faith in a person again, whom cldn't even control his own emotions? jiaxin says i am a man, a guy, i shldn't be so sentimental , qingbing ask me " why haven u gotten over her??" he speaks as if its onli right and normal to do that, get over bing and move on... after all he onli just broke up 3months ago, by the way i see it, he did gotten over her oredi....i am really amazed by how my kakis does things like that...they nvr carry much emotianal struggles... zhiliang on the other hand can change gf as and when he pleases.. how on earth can they do that!? they really behaves like robots, as long as they can satisfy their needs, any girl is juz a tool... or a product that can be discarded away as and when they please...sigh.., i on my part didn't gave them a straight reply... or trying to argue things like they dun understand...or they are 3rd party hence rationale in their advices.. i juz listened...

i said to jiaxin.. i think, if i am not a sentimental person like i am, bing wldn't love me the first place ba.. rite? becoz like bing, we are both very sentimental persons... lots of things ,we are very alike... think that explains the chemistry and frequency btw us ba~

As for qingbing, i ask him, "dun u miss ur gf at all?" he ans "no" ... i prompt further , he said tat whenever he thinks of her, or see the places he and her had been b4, he will juz simply not think abt it...throw it into the back of his mind.. then he keep doin that after some time ... he got over her very fast... in juz less than 3 months he is ready to look for another relationship... sigh... i tot to myself " is this love?" , and things like " guess most likely bing is doing the same think as qingbing ba, simply dun think and move on.. as time goes by, the distance bing had run away frm me, it wld be impossible for me catch up anymore" ...she wld have forgotten this precious love...by then..

the very thought of that fills my heart wif sadness.. it seems to them that it seems so easy to let go... they may say and told me its hard but if i try and i can do..... but thinking abt it , its quite practical, dun think , dun miss the person... and the memories juz 'store' them in to the database.. inside our brain,whenever we miss somebodey juz brush it aside,eventualy one fine day we retrieve these memories, they wld no longer be meangful information/memories any more... they are juz simply raw data that once carry meaning to ur life...... memories that wldn't bring a smile or tears in ur face anymore... hence i believe its no longer the question of hard or easy to let go... its do u wan or dun wan to let go...for me i really dun wish to let go...i mean its ah bing! for goodness sake!

so y wldn't i wanna let go? i guess its becoz, i believe we still love each other ba... if its the case of bing dosen't love me anymore then i have no choice but to let go... or if bing has fallen for another person then i have not much of a choice either... our love has nvr faded.. sob.. i really hope my sincerity can moved her abit..let her know that, i really seek to change from inside.. not juz on the surface... i know i really disappointed her alot... but somehow i know that deep inside she still loves me...but many times i really can't figure why she is so cold towards me.. or does she even still loves me? can she tell or feel the efforst i have made? sob sigh ... qns qns, bombarding me....i noe she still feels hurt..sob

the most devastated part for me realising all my mistakes, uncovering them one by one,.. and realising how much hurt i brought to ah bing... my dar dar ... sob.. i really really felt very hurt when i learn how much i hurt her... i can never fogive myself.... i slapped myself dunno how many times in the bathroom..juz to overcome the pain i felt inside.. but it seems that no matter how hard i inflict pain to myself, the hurt deep inside my heart will hurt even more...bing,.. sob i feel so xin ku, i really do...

another thing that hurts me deeply is bing dun recognise or understand my efforts.. sob, i do understand that watever i do now cldn't really affect her directly... but thats becoz i really do it from the bottem of my heart... i dun wan to do things juz to show her " see i have changed" , i wan to really change... and clear consicience, i noe i really did... but bing says i am a leopard who cldn't change his spots.. i was so devastated when i saw that mail... sigh.. things like that i can't tell anyone...not even jiaxin or qingbing.. i am doing this alone.. yet the person that matters me the most cldn't understand the things i have done.. sob

xian, u mustn't give up.. becoz if u give up, u would really have nuthin le,... hang on... bing is still running, keep chasing..one day u will find her, jia you!

the portrait of bing nice? every stroke of my brush on her face feels like i am touching her face... sob, dunno cried in front of the laptop how many times while doin the portrait.... all the times i do late at night , so no one in the family wld see.. often till 3am, sometimes at night i cldn't control myself, i put my mouse down and touch "her cheek" on my LCD screen wif my fingers..tears wld juz flow and flow.... sigh, think i am going blind soon...

My heart felt really heavy now.. bing is juz 3 weeks away from flying~ i wish so much to spend all my avaliable time wif her... accompany her to her practices.. hold her hand , chat wif her on the train, eat wif her... juz the feeling of having one another~ and nuthin else on this earth can disturb us... the feeling of having one another for the rest of our lives.. to hold and to love.. juz like that days in chalet, in a world of our own..... there are many things i need to tell bing... sigh... but i can;t even see her now... sob , i really miss her..... its been 2 months i have last seen her.. sob.. onli her portrait warms my heart now.. she look really happy in her photograph~ ... she means the world to me... sob

i must be strong, if not i can't take care of her.. xian jia you! u can do it!