Art is Dead

hi~ blog, i am back :)

2005-10-08T05:00:00.000+08:00

Hi,

here i am again :) once told myself to leave tis sad place dead as it's name suggest... dead.. well i dunno why, 5 am in the morning i am here again. I promise to her i will be here i guess... i miss her so much so much... i wonder if she noes tat.. i guess she noes, but oredi grew tired of hearing me say such things ba.. sorry, but i really do.. sigh.

As time passes by... i begin to think more n more abt us. and the more i think abt how i used to treat her, my heart breaks and my chest hurts like hell.. i even ate panadols to ease the chest pains.. can't believe such a thing is happening to me.... think i am dying.. sometimes it ache so much i totally can't sleep at all.... i begin to miss her, and my tears flows again....

how much can we love a person? i didn't ask myself b4 this qns in the past... i like to know the answer myself too... i know one thing, she loves me alot alot and i broke her heart. I wish to tell her too that i love her alot alot too... sob.

Guilt, regrets, slight depression, emptiness, fear, reflections and small tiny dim light of hope sums up my daily life.... i am still holding that glimpse of hope... i dunno why but i really do.... do u? I dunno how things will end up,... could stay the same or it might turn for the better... meanwhile i'll juz keep doing wat i promise her... to be a better person... i am slow, but i am building on it.. i can do it.

i still read ur blog everydae, try to rest more ya? 5 hours a day is going to burn u out... dun drink so much oso~ :( bad for ur body~

xian

Wind of change..day3 ends...

2005-08-28T16:01:00.000+08:00

Still, 8th August, Day 3..
The sky is turning dark,all we cld think of is the warm therapy of the hotsprings whr our little white van is taking us to... to ease our exhausted, injured aching bodies... and of coz fill up our empty rumbling stomachs.. Its a 1-2 hour ride to the hotsprings. As our little white van moves along the contour of the moutains, i decide to move my attention to the moutains, clouds , trees and pple outside my window, while the rest of the gang were chatting happily behind me, sharing their pride, laugther and joy after conquering the highest peak in SEA.
i love taking road trips like this, especially wif the wind brushing my face and the scenary moving effortlessly like a watching motion picture.. somehow it provides the perfect time for me to think abt things thats happening and changing ard me... a perfect time to reflect on myself. Amazng how things changes isn't it? Before the climb when we first met at woodlands MRT, we hardly know each other, we all came from different backgrounds, different enthusiasm, different reasons to be involved in this wonderful trip.. 3 days later here we are, cramping and squeezing ourselves in this little van, chatting and laughing as though we knew each other for ages~ like brother and sisters.. making everything abt the trip so precious n treasurable...
So why am i here the first place? to heal a broken heart? a chance to break away from the rigid cycle of my life? to do smth i wldn't normally do? or to challenge myself as a person, to see if i am strong enough to climb out of the bottomless pitch black pithole that i have fallen into? watever the reasons, i am here.., together wif these wonderful pple here wif me inside this little white van, laughing and sharing the joy of acomplishing smth remarkable together... i wld nvr have imagine myself sitting here in this van looking at everyone here 3 months ago...amazing how things changes... and for the first time, i cld see a beam of light brightening up everything ard me ... i think i am finally ready to step out of this pithole. suddenly, a familiar song could be heard from the small speakers at the driver's seat...

Wind of Change

I folow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change
An August summer night
Soldiers passing by
Listening to the wind of change
The world is closing in
Did you ever think
That we could be so close, like brothers
The future's in the air
I can feel it everywhere
Blowing with the wind of change

Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
in the wind of change

Walking down the street
Distant memories
Are buried in the past forever
I folow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow share their dreams
With you and me

Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
in the wind of change

The wind of change
Blows straight into the face of time
Like a stormwind that will ring the freedom bell
For peace of mind
Let your balalaika sing
What my guitar wants to say

Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow share their dreams
With you and me
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
in the wind of change

wonderful song, in a wonderful little white van and a wonderful atmosphere made out of 12 wonderful pple... wonderful moment.. :)

The sky now, was filled wif tiny beautiful stars, we've juz reached the hotsprings resort. After sorting out some admin stuff we, leave our things in our rooms and we are on our way to tropicana for our dinner..
Dinner was fantastic, there were chicken cutlets, lamp chop, tomyam soup, japanese toufu, lime juices... and many others which i forgotten haha~... anyway lots of stuffs .. and as usual, we took more than 2 hours for our meal, by now i believe we all shld know whose the culprit..haha.. After our meal, there's of coz a heart warming moment, celebrating our victorious climb wif a champagne, brought all the way from singapore by rambo boon? haha.. then of coz we cldn't call it a day without Rambo Boon giving his inspirational team talk.. i dunno abt others, i really like his team talk not so much abt wat he says, but the way he says it... haha its damn farnie..one of the best i have seen, think its a really natural kind of thing for him , comes from within, which i think is full of sincerity, and nuthin else cld beat that, so way to go boon! thks for everything.

after the meal, well, our meal .. (rambo still eating)... , me , keith , hongliang and lyn went back first for the hotsprings.. we decided to look for the hotspring first, the bad part of it is, we have to trek a short distance.. argh.. sigh., not again... so we crossed a wooden brigde thats somewhr behind our hostel, walk a short distance where there's a couple of huts, doesn't look like hotsprings to us.. the street lights were dim and we cldn't find the actual location of the hotspring... sigh. anyway by then i wasn't rally so keen on the hotspring anymore... so we headed back to our rooms...i needed my sleep.
Very soon, everyone came back.. all eager to look for hotspring... arh.. much to my protest.. i am dragged to wooden bridge again..sigh... and the rest i think i dun wanna mention liao..haha.. basically , we cldn't find the hotspring, i cross the bridge six times in total, and got accused for leaving the keys at our door.... haha.. terrible night. i am turning in now, i dun care...

gd night~ everyone (>_-)

to be continued...

Day3: Goodbye Low's.

2005-08-15T20:16:00.000+08:00

8th August, Day 3

6am+ .. temperature was freezing cold, other than the slippery rocks below our feet ,all we cld see were greyish white fog everywhr, thick mist surrounding us limiting our vision to at most 10 to 20 metres. We have juz reached the summit of Mt Kinabalu. The summit is a small area no larger than the size of my room cramped wif proud and exhausted fellow trekkers, like us, all waiting anxiously for their turns to take a picture of themselves on the summit. After we taken our grp photos , all i cld think of is to get the hell out of this icy paradise, which uncle told me we cld see gods here?
Cautiously i began to make my way down the slippery, steep, sharp edged rocky terrain. Under the thick mist all i could see was Keith wif both hands tucked in his pockets making his way down effortlessly in front of me. Right behind me were Ji wei and Lynn. I assume the rest wld follow suit, too cold and misty to be able to tell exactly where the rest were anymore. In ard 10 mins, we were finally out of the hazzy mist, for once i cld finally feel and see the warmth of the morning sunlight, clearing the fog and brightening up the path in front of us. Other than the Low's peak whr we made our way down, i cld see clearly now, the diffrent peaks around us. Donkey ear's peak and south peak on our sides, look exactly like the ones i have seen on the net... if not better, simply breathtaking. Amazed by the way nature gave life to these rocks, on a artistic point of view, of coz. To me, they ain't juz gigantic rocks, they are nature's very own creation , juz like everyone of us, we are all creation of mother nature..these rocks were there long b4 our time and will still be there long after we are gone, they are blessed wif a life of eternity by nature... yet we, fragile humans are ignorant enough to think we are able to mount and conquer nature's creation. sigh... human ignorance and arrogance over the almighty nature. ehh ok, i am a little carried away here, i admit i am really far off from wat i am really thinking and wat i am trying to say, hmm nevermind.... actually i am trying to address the global destruction we inflicted on mother nature due to our thorough arrogance... hmm its probably one of the very few moments of my life i am witnessing something that is well, NOT man made ( i ( well, i grew up in a city ! )... lots of inspirations, yet not concrete, ideas flying every where, dunno wat i am thinking.... arghh stupid big rocks taking my focus away.. need to focus~ focus....ANYWAY , back to our climb down... actually all i can think of is to get out of here~ miss my bed, miss my play station.
Going down isn't as easy a task i have imagined it to be... the gradient down though mainly flat and less slippery (by now), its rather steep, our toes were pushed to the edges of our shoes, the strength used to resist the body weight from pulling downwards were pretty tedious.. One good way wld be walking zig zag downwards, it has the effect of lessening the gravitational pull on our movement... While i stopped to take a breather, lynn and jiwei were way ahead of me, keith was behind me taking pictures, guess lynn was even more determined than me to get back... haha
I looked ard the path hoping to see if i could bring some pretty pebbles back sg, sadly i couldn't find any.. in fact the stones i cld find up there look pretty gross, coz there is this milky white residue on these stones.. looks sticky, if u look closely enough there are even tiny green living plants growing on these white residue, yuck ...
Around 15mins or so, we reach the check point. Jiwei went to pee, 4 of us decided to wait for the rest to join us. After awhile, we look up cld see the tiny figures of dragon, wensheng and huifen, meiting's bright yellow wind breaker and the rest of the grp still very far at the top near the summit moving slowly down the steep rocky bed. We decide to wait for them at lower ground as lynn was getting cold. so we moved on following the direction of the white rope.
The terrain looks really scary now... becoz its steeper and more uneven compared to those at the top, we wld be depending greatly on the white rope if we are going to go down in one piece, a massive slip of the rope from here we wld be saying, " hi Elvis! how have u been?" (ok i am alittle bit exaggarating) and the fact that we actually climb our way up on these terrains b4 in darkness earlier makes it even unbelievable... bet my mum isn't going happy if she sees this, coz i actually told her even 12 yr old can make it, shldn't be hell of a big problem ba... haha i juz realise wat a joke it was . Holding tightly to our ropes and leaning our bodies close to the rocky bed, we made our way down slowly and carefully down the terrain. The distance isn't far, after abt 10 mins, we made our final leap at the end of the white rope. We cld finally see trees and vegetation, Hongliang and Jasper were sun bathing and relaxing under the tree waiting for the crew to come home. phew....finally made it
Lynn, Jiwei and rocky made their way back to camp to catch some sleep while keith and i, together wif jasper and hongliang stayed to wait for the rest to decend safetly. the 4 of us took some pictures , TCSS under the sun, after ard 15 mins we cld see the rest making their way painfully down the white rope. think meiting came down first, followed by yuting~ i was thinking hey, the girls were alive and well, yuting must be feeling really happy , she didn't give up or complained and meiting was like smiling all the way, haha . After all, together wif kieth the 4 of us went up together, great to see them back. then slowly huifen and ah sheng came down, then our ever green ah boon tried to do a repel at the final leap ... haha damn farnie. We rest for awhile at the same place, took some pictures, meiting proudly took out her singapore flag, haha she wanted to do her singapore thing and after that we were all walking and chatting happily making our way back to base camp... lovely mondae morning~ :)
Ard less than 30mins or so, we are back at the hut. Lyn and jiwei , rocky were sleeping soundly,.. me, meiting, yuting and jasper were back in our room. how i wish i could juz lie in bed to rest my aching body, but the mattress is so freezing cold~~argh so we juz sat there stare at each other, too tired to move.. after awhile we heard sounds at the balcony, so yuting, meiting and i went out to join hongliang, ah boon and jasper to chat n relax under warm gentle sunlight. I dunno how to describe the feeling there, its definately one of the top three moments during my time at Mt Kina, beautiful morning, nice view of the mountains, cool wind coupled wif bright gentle sunlight, sunbathing our cold and aching bodies, couple of friends chatting and laughing... ah boon doing his thing(cracker!).... really really relax.... damn shoik! if onli that beautiful moment stays forever....
Yuting says we got to pack up and go le... 1030am is our roll call timing. argh.. i dun wan to go. then again, haven i been the one always wanted to go back~? hai, guess we all have our contradictions in life. All the dilly dally and stuff , we are off at 11am, we decided to have our breakfast.. ok brunch, first. As usual especially wif ah boon ard, we finished our meal in more than 1 hour. Everyone as per normal except for ah sheng, he fell sick. Could tell he is feeling really miserable, dunno if he's over-exhaution, guess its really huifen's turn to take care of him, this time round she really has to... After awhile, ah sheng got back to his feet, indicated he is ready to go... i can tell he is determined to shake off the altitude sickness. Way to go Ah Sheng~! i always knew him as one wif a really strong mind. He can do it.
We took a group photo b4 we set off, i look at the peaks behind us for one last time, so thats it, guess i wun be seeing these majestic figures ever again~ i took a deep breath~thinking hmm really glad i came. i turn ard and made my first step...home.
Going down hill, isn't as tedious as going up... but definately strenuous on my knees coz i always made the first step down wif my right knee. i rememeber going thru this b4, during my days in army, i remember i got to get my momentum going downhill , i begin to take 2 steps in a row then 3 steps in a row and subsequently both my legs reach its momentum smoothly down the rocky steps. i wasn't fast, taking small sets of steps at a time, i was however fully concentrated on reading the the steps in front of me and planning my foot movements to accomodate the steps in front of me. After a few sets of steps i made, i look back at our pple, meanwhile taking a break... however a few more breaks later i cldn't see them anymore. Along the way i saw these local aunties carrying a huge basket on their backs containing provisions for the restaurant up at Gunting Lagadan hut up on the mountain. The amount of load they are carrying are really shocking, other than the provisions inside the basket, there were 6 packs of rice on top of it, and these aunties made trips like that up and down the mountain everydae~! sigh... i really hate myself for wasting a single grain of rice up there at the restaurant. If i knew how hard they make their way up juz so we all could have a hot plate of rice right in front of us, i wld have finish every grain of it. sob, pls forgive me, i am really sorry.
I continued my way down slowly, few steps in row at one time. i am careful not to hurt myself as i knew based on experience, going downhill is very strenuous on our ankles as it has to take our full body weight for every step we make. My trusty walking stick became very useful now especially at this stage as it could minimise the impact the force my body weight had on my ankles. A few moments later i heard footsteps behind me, running footsteps, then i saw this ang moh guy in running attire running down hill, following closely behind him were local lads each carrying dummy weights on their backs. I think these pple are under going training to become porters or guides... cld imagine our ever so cool Dragon, undergone such vigorous training b4... amazing.
By now, i think i am really far away from the crew. I saw keith who was running down wif the local lads, but then he decided to wait for the rest. Ah Sheng kept his momentum and went ahead of me... while I kept my slow and steady pace down the sandy rocks.
I am all alone now, juz me alone along this rough trail back home. I couldn’t see or hear a single soul ard me any more… all I cld hear were sounds of birds, insects and gusts of winds brushing the branches of the tress ard me… juz me alone, peacefully alone… When is the last time I had this feeling? I can’t remember… was it in the army? Or have I ever experience smth like that b4? I dunno, I really can’t remember.. All I noe I am enjoying every moment of it as I kept my momentum down the rocky slope…, I am beginning to fall in love wif this wonderful trip here… (ok , I have to pause here awhile, share smth wif u guys, I am here in starbucks at clarke quay writing this blog , however there is this really chio and sexy jap girl sitting in front of me, she is making me writing this blog very difficult. Ha~ ok back to the blog ) … as I walked along the path ,looking at all the familiar rocks, trees, flowers and steps that we had contact wif on our way up…. Somehow they seems so close to me… every single one of them.. After awhile I realized, it is exactly these little things that brought back the sweetest memories, all the sweat, laughter and fun we shared and its exactly these memories that made me write this blog todae, to capture every moment into words.. I sure going to miss them…
Once awhile I would cross paths wif buddy trekkers making their eager climb up the mountain…I wonder wat were they thinking or wats going on in their minds right now as they made every step up the rocky terrain. Are they in a very enthusiastic mood? Are they a sight seeing mood? Or are they here maybe to run away from things, maybe depression, like me ? Whatever reasons, I noe it isn’t impt anymore… the most impt thing is, they are already here, thats all that matters… I really feel happy for them, like i am happy for myself. I greeted everyone of them, wishing them the very best in whatever they set out for….
There is this grp of Singaporeans , middle aged ladies… all dressed in red, all wif a Singapore flag on their bag packs… the lady in front told me they are making a national day climb.. Haha , they sure do look enthusiastic and patriotic, reminds me of our ever so sweet Meiting~ heehee
After a long while ,I saw a shelter in front, maybe I take a break there.. When I reached there I saw ah sheng at the shelter taking a break. Cld tell he is looking fine now, think it’s the altitude sickness that make him unwell… glad to noe he is better oredi. I took a short break , as I was abt to leave , keith and rocky made their way down too. While they decided to wait for the rest, I made the decision to leave first… I guess I’ll wait for them at the next shelter as its too cold up there. So once again , I took my bag and my trusty stick, I made my way down again…. ( sorry guys for not waiting, coz partly oso I wanna find back that ‘peaceful feeling’ again, hee )
The sky is darker now, looks like its abt to rain.. Dunno if I shld walk faster… forget it , I say heck the rain, but pls god, dun take away my cozy walk from me~~ sob. Ard 15 mins later I saw the next shelter, guess I will wait for them here, its going to rain anyway… I was sitting in the shelter alone, wondering how is everyone doing. After ard 10mins, rocky made his way down. We chatted in the shelter for awhile and decided to move on, coz its really cold there… got to keep warm by keep ourselves going, plus the toilet is damn stink-o… argh.. I’ll wait for them at the next shelter ba.
I stepped up my pace a little, thinking it might rain any time soon. After a while I am at the next shelter. Cldn’t see rocky any where nearby. Think he shld be ard 5-10mins behind . One thing though, this shelter is even more stink-o than the previous one… argh… smells like really thick pile of shit this time. I was wondering how can anyone be thinking of shiting while they are so shag.. Haha , sorry, guess I am being very baised here… SCARLY Rambo Boon walk so fast juz so he cld shit at the shelter way in front of us, haha… I mean where cld all that plates of rice, pig trotters, sabah vegetables, mee goring, fried rice, fish and chicken go? Can’t be all converted to ’energy’ as boon had claimed right? Heehee… (juz kidding) . Haha anyway, I cldn’t take it anymore, I decided to wait for the rest including rocky at the next shelter .
The vegetation ard me now were thicker, greener and look more ‘rainforest’ compared to those at the top. I noe I am near the gates by now… 2km more I guess… tata I saw the next shelter, this time the toilet is further, and hey, doesn’t stink at all. Hoho.. Ok I shall wait for them here, no matter how long I’ll wait. Kinda of miss the rest of the crew. 15mins has passed still no one I know in sight. I asked the trekkers that passed by if they have seen anyone of our pple, but none of them has seen the crew. Sigh… I wonder how are they doin. Ard 5mins later , hey, I think I’ve got company, rocky came at his usually slow pace, hee… guess the rest is abt to reach pretty soon. So both of us waited. After 30mins… well, we are still waiting. Hmm wats taking them so long. I wondered.. while rocky took out his journal to update, i decided to take a short nap. Another 30 mins passed, still no sight of them. Then there is this grp of trekkers walked passed the shelter, I tried my luck again. They told me they saw a grp of 4 looking for members of the rest of their grp. I was thinking, 4? Hmm cldn’t be us. Where the hell were they? Then out of a sudden, I saw smth familiar, smth yellow~ the onli thing that’s in yellow I have seen and remember up thr, it has got to be meiting’s wind breaker~ ha. I am right. They are finally here! Yey. Apparently , yuting sprained her leg, and jasper, his groin. Alamak. So many injuries. Wat happened? Yuting decided to carry on the walk down so I accompany her. Rocky said he wait for us at the gate. So me, yuting and meiting made our move while hongliang and keith wait for the rest at the shelter.
Ok, this is whr I witness first hand, the ‘Yuting Syndrome’ . haha, ok basically yuting made her EVERY step down wif her right foot first, coz she sprained her left foot. This posture or action or whatever u call it, haha is called the ‘Yuting Syndrome’. haha , apparently some of our pple who’s suffering from muscle aches, walked the same way as yuting later on, and hence the spread of the ‘Y syndrome’… heehee. ( haha , my starbucks manager friend, karen walked over me and ask me, “ why are u laughing at ur computer screen all these while?” , haha was I ?? Shit, pple might be thinking I am siao..argh ) …. Very soon, ah sheng and huifen came over and 5 of us made our way back together. Then came hongliang and keith, hongliang took yuting’s bag and went off to wait for us at the gate together wif keith.
After ard an hour later, we are finally at the gate. Phew… we made it, alive! Hoho ard 30 mins later, jasper, lynn, jiwei and ah boon together wif dragon reach the gate. We asked dragon, “ are we the slowest grp u everr taken b4?” , dragon gave a deep thought, he answered ,” fifth,..slowest” haha… damn farnie, at least we are not the last! Heehee
So glad everyone is back, everyone went up to the summit and down together, no one gave up, ok even though I wanted to at some point, hee, thk god I didn’t , simply love this grp!
We took a short bus ride to the admin house, rocky and huifen took their stuff, and we are on our way to the hot springs~~ woohoo , wat a perfect way to end the day...

To be continued…..

yellow submarine

2005-08-14T22:55:00.000+08:00

YELLOW

You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding.

Find out your color at Quiz Me!

Day3, Reaching the Stars.

2005-08-11T19:29:00.000+08:00

8th August, Day3

2am +, someone switched on the light, i could hear sounds and voices of pple ard me, the air was cold,... am i dreaming? am i in singapore? sadly,.. i knew right away i wasn't. I could at this moment imagine the slippery rocks i am going to climb in the dark.. the freezing wind i have to endure... the peer pressure i have to face if i chose not to go... argh... i need my sleep.. such a comfy bed.. i opened my eyes saw meiting oredi by her bed getting herself ready for the climb.. sigh. i passed her the liverpool flag, "bai tuo ni le.... meiting"
and i bury my face inside my pillow...

i hear voices again, i heard pple calling my name.. argh... can't get to sleep, part of me tell me i really have to do this, no choice.... i got up, brushed my teeth.. i look myself in the mirror, since i am doing it, i better do it good. i went back the room, picked up the liverpool flag, determined to do wat i have set out to do...yuting said, "remember bryan, you never walk alone" . -- exactly the sort of thing to say to me that wld get my butt off to tallest mountain in southeast asia. thks mate.

very soon, everyone was gathering at the living room, the guide was there , gave us a short breifing and we are all set to go. We set off thru the back door, everyone turn on their torchlight, wind was strong and cold, everything is pitch dark, thru our torchlight we can onli see 2 to 3 person infront of us... it started wif a flight of wooden planks up the slope... then there were more wooden planks, steeper, higher then the previous ones... ard 30 mins later, everyone stopped. there is this rope in front of us, one by one we pull ourselves up... from this moment its rocky surface all the way. We have to lead our bodies inwards against the rocky walls as our foot grip is very narrow, its too dark to know wat will happen to us if we lose our footing, basically we juz monkey see monkey do...typical singaporeans :P

ard 15mins later, we aren't relying on the rope that much any more, by this time, hongliang who is suppose to shine the light for us, aren't there anymore either. walking infront of me now is yuting, meiting and keith who became our 'light' , literally and mentally. this is especially so for yuting, who is struggling her way up. think the thin air and the strong freezing winds has affected her fragile body drastically. keith gave her his support, he helped her wif her bag that contained our bottles, gave her encouragement. I felt ashamed as i shared water wif the sisters, as a guy i shld have carrying her bag earlier. too shag to think,.. another pathetic side of me. Sort of reassured wat someone said to me some time back, " how can u take good care of somebody when u can't even take good care of urself ?"...how true indeed.

at this pt, we are clearly very near to the summit, how near are we ? i aren't sure myself . Under the dim star light, i could see the shadow of this horn shaped giant rock on our left. i recognise this in one of the pictures i encountered inside yahoo images b4 i came. i could recognise the shapes of other peaks on my right from yahoo images as well. i know we are near, but not sure the distance though . i looked up into the sky, never seen stars this close to me, felt like wif juz a reach of my hand i could pluck one of those for bing. i look to the front picked the star closes to the summit, i've made that star my finishing line, suddenly the distance aren't that important to me anymore.

By then, the wind juz came in stronger that b4, probably becoz we are pretty exposed now, there were less vegetation surrounding us compared to the terrain b4 we reach the rope. Air was thin, freezing colds wind hitting us at probably 50km/hr. my lips were numb and my gloved hands are hurting under these fearsome conditions . By looking at yuting's body movement, we knew she is finding great difficulty dealing wif it all.i know she wun give up, i have see her made step by step up the rocky terrains earlier in the afternoon without even breaking a word of complain. keith held her left hand, encouraging her to move, reminding her wat she had came here for. words very similar to those yuting said to me in the room. i need to repay her faith. i walked up to her held her icy cold right hand and told her , " You never walk alone, remember? " , well sound cheesy and obviously i wasn't helping much either, but i felt that i wasn't juz encouraging her wif , well, my cheesy words, but she is encouraging me wif her strong determination as well, and i thk her for that. Soon after, meiting took over and she held her sis hand up the nearing summit, the sky turning blue guess the sun is coming out soon, wif a flash of an eye , our evergreen ah boon dashed passed us hoping to catch the sunrise at the summit, sigh, 'tired' dosen't seems to exist in his dictionary, suddenly all my talk on determination and strength and all that "you never walk alone" stuff seems to sound so dumb n meaningless ha~

the sky's turning a little reddish now, juz below the summit, we took a break to enjoy the breathtaking view of the sunrise. dragon, our guide came up to us, he says we need to move to the summit quick, the mist is gathering up itself oredi. so we drag our aching bodies up the final climb 200m to the summit.
Suddenly we cld see a huge cloud of mist shallowing up the summit. we aren't going to stop here, i still haven't reach my 'star' yet, so we continued our climb up the finale.

Dragon held yuting up, and guide her slowing to the top. meiting and i follow suite. The rocky surface at the summit are sharper, steeper, and more slippery compared to the ones below. Strangely though we followed a easier route led by dragon ,to the top compared those ard us. with a glimpse of an eye, we saw the sign, it dosen't look like a star, but a board that indicates 4093m, i looked at meiting, she look at me, " we finally made it!" .

ah boon was oredi there waiting for us, Hongliang and jasper who arrived earlier cldn't take the freezing temperature descended the summit. by now, everyone was at the summit, we took grp shots together, and i finally get to do my liverpool thing, i took out my liverpool banner and lifted it at the highest point of southeast asia... still can't believe i made it.

The bad news is that the mist simply blocked us away from the beautiful morning sunrise. The good thing though, is that i think i am finally getting out of here, think my holiday really begins from this very moment ! oooOO hoooO (>_-)

to be continued......

Day 2 : The day jap aunties shamed a sg young adult

2005-08-10T16:10:00.000+08:00

7th of August

Wake up the next morning at 6am, fully recharged for the climb, brushes our teeth at this common area juz beside the balcony, the background outside the balcony is similar to those bing took at nepal outside her hotel window, retro low storeys shop houses cramping for their own share of existence inside the small streets/alleys of Sabah, kota kinabalu. We pack our stuff and proceed to the dinning area for our breakfast. We are served wif a piece of papaya, and 2 slices of toasted bread. not the best breakfast.. but i do enjoy the simplicity of it... simple breakfast in a simple budget hostel, sometimes i really hope the things ard us cld be kept as simple as possible. Too much politics, conflicts and collisions of ideologies makes things more complicated then wat they usually are...

We took 2 vans, a 2 hour ride to Mt Kinabalu... Meiting,Yuting, Jasper,me together wif 2 other girls, think is jiwei's friends travel together inside one van, the rest follow suit on the other van... the drinking session last night sort of cured my air sickness, but i wld realise soon it too wld have a reversing effect on me during the flight back.. we shall find out why.. :P Along the way, we cld see the shores of Sabah , beautiful waters... and right at the side of it, a mosque like majestic building, The University of Sabah, i could feel its almost glowing under the reflection of the morning sunlight from the crystal clear waters of sabah... breathtaking view. 2 hours is a pretty long ride.. i fell asleep inside the van, when i woke up, we were oredi there at the foot of the mountain. The first thought that come to my mind, the wind is really cold~ good or bad i am not sure, one thing for sure, i am still in a sight seeing mood... climbing a moutain? give me a break~.... ignorant climber, i am.

Hongliang sorted out the admin stuff, basically the climbing permit,while Sheng and his princess sort out their stuffs, which are the things to stay and which of the things to carry up the summit, cld tell Sheng is quite stressed out by her. poor guy. We all then gathered to have breakfast while waiting for ourguide, Dragon to come. i was really shocked when Boon and some others were doin stretching, the photo of the 12 yr old girl climbing kinabalu i saw in yahoo images gave me the image that its going to be a smooth ride to the top.. nvr did thought abt doing any stretching or the need to.. still ignorant and clueless abt wats going on... i know i haven really prepared wat i have set out to sabah for... why am i here for?

we took pictures of "MrLee" before going up kina, very farnie moments.. other travellers laugh wif us and the jokes we made... one thing abt this grp of us, its always full of fun and laughter, think without pple like boon and keith we wldn't have so much fun we wld have had...they are realli farnie pple.

anyway, the bus and the guide came, we took the bus to the gate and started wat all of them had came for, the climb up the summit of the highest mountain in southeast asia. All except me...

The beginning was simple steps up the slope, i was in the middle of the pack.. busy chating, sight seeing waterfalls, trees and and streams... then the steps became large pebbles, pebbles becomes rocks, rocks becomes more uneven and begin to grow sharper edges... my backpack becomes heavier and i begin to need my walking stick more and more as i climbs up the rocks... " i need a break" . Break came when we saw a stop pt at the 1 km mark. its basically a shelter to rest our feet. Based on experience during the army daes, i shldn't take long breaks, shld get that momentum going... and not try to end it.. so i set off the trail again after a short break. but after a while i begn to fall back behind the pack... very soon i was behind looking at everyone climbing up the stones.. the onli one behind me now is rocky, look like i got a friend~ ha

Rocky and I climb up really slowly at our very own... well slow pace. we chat and TCSS along the way.. dunno why my sight seeing mood returned when i am wif him,not that this mood actually left me, the heavy backpack , the breathing methods that i recalled when i feel shag, the endless trails infront of me like those i saw during training in taiwan... and the disblief on the faces of meiting and yuting when they saw my garang photo in my passport, a voice sort of like " hey, bryan do u noe wat u are doing here? u are on a climbing adventure not a sight seeing trip, wake up ur idea! " but after i saw rocky wif me, i am back to my relaxed self again... feeling good~ ha... But along the way, wat amazes me is the determination i see in meiting's and yuting's eyes... they were carrying fullpacks much heavier than mine, they were tired... but they are fully concentrated on the next step they are going to make, slowly , strongly they made their way up the rocks. i am really impressed by these 2 girls... strong character within them.

as we climb higher and higher, the air getting thinner and the wind gets colder, rocky and i took more breaks then usual...almost every 20 steps we made we took a 3 mins break... very soon we lost sight of yuting and meiting, and group of middle aged japanese caught up on us... damn jialat... u are pathetic bryan... really pathetic... u used to be the one carying 960 , walking in front of the team during the days in army, your team won the best navgation team award... remember? i tot by thinking this way, i cld spur myself on...a moment later, the japanese aunties and uncles overtake me leaving wif juz me and my guide dragon... rocky didn't wat the japanese to block his path so i ask him to went ahead.... the best thing is the aunties and uncles smile at me when they went pass me one by one... i feel like i am being gang raped....arghh.. pathetic.

after i think abt 5hours of crawling up the rocks ( yes i am literally crawling up by now) , i finally reach the restaurant at Gunting Lagadan hut... everyone was like waiting for me... i really need a hug, hongliang was the nearest so i grab him over for a hug,..i made finally it...

we are all starving, and its really cold by now... we are more than 3000m off the ground... and all i can think off is a plate of hot omelette and warm mug of mocha. SAdly they dun serve anyof those, they onli serve dinner buffet which sucks but we ate it anyway... thats when i realise i juz met the biggest eater in my whole life... ah boon. basically he had 4-5 servings of food, and he finishes up all the food leftover by us... i was like... is this guy the incredible hulk?... he is really an amazing guy... i really bow to him man..

we took an amazing 2hours to finish our meal, or rather wait for boon to finish HIS meal...haha then we made our way to Gunting Lagadan hut whr we stayed for the night... its freezing cold by now...
Meiting , Yuting , Jasper and I took Room 12, its a small room wif 2 double deck beds by the sides. we are suppose to take a hot bath and sleep early for the night as we are waking up at 2am in the morning to embark our (ok, my) painful journey to the summit of Mt Kinabalu...
think maybe its the altitude sickness , some of our crew got sick, huifen puked, jiwei got chest pains, keith needs panadol for his headache... as for me i am totally shagged out and still struggling whether go for the final glance or not... by 9am everyone was in bed, well obviously everyone couldn't get to sleep , so i suggested toking cock in our beds at night... ah boon who is feeling restless came into our room to chat as well... its really fun chatting wif them.. boon is really a natural born cracker man... haha... its where i noe more abt jasper, meiting and yuting. jasper is a IT person, meiting is an auditor, yuting is a graphic designer... all three of them are family friends... same as me and ah sheng.. all love photography... very interesting trio.. yuting nvr gives up, always telling me, " i have come so far, i must make it to the top" , encouraging me to go up,haha... meiting has a pretty face, abit quiet but definately wif an adventurous heart... sometimes the way she look at certain object , her eyes wld become dou4 ji 1 eyes haha which i find rather cute, jasper likes to play wif his digicam, taking pictures, one thing he said, " we shld be taking pictures things we sees and not things we want to see",i totally agree wif that... but i wun fully agree due to certain moral issues like privacy and professional issues/debates like wat i read in the papers abt this photographer who noes that there is a pithole in the middle of the pathway but becoz of a flood the pithole cannot be seen, the photographer positions himself waiting for someone to fall into the pithole... and eventually someone did and his werks got published. he got critised for being too professional abt his job and lacking the morals by not warning the victim abt the pithole. he shot back saying that after is werks got published, the government made immediate actions to covered up the hole... and the debate wld goes on and on..i kept the opinions to myself anyway... afterall i too love photography... wldn't wan to get into some crappy debate.

The 5 of us tok lots of crap especially ah boon, after an hour we decide to sleep and be prepared for tomolo's climb.. still struggling whether to go or not i told meiting who is sleeping next to the bed beside me, " help me bring the liverpool flag i brought along to the summit if i cldn't make it for tomolo's climb" (-- ok a little flash back, i intended to take a picture of me, strip naked at the summit and held my liverpool flag up high) i was hoping maybe meiting can do this for me ha..i mean if the japanese aunties and uncles can overtake me like that, i dun see how i can make it to the summit...
confidence crushed, dignity tarnished,
i am juz pathetic..

Rewinding the Tape: Day 1

2005-08-10T10:32:00.000+08:00

Day 1, 6th of august.

Yuting called, she said time changed to 12pm woodlands instead of 11am. Sheng and i met under my block at 11.15am though, he need to buy slippers for his gf Huifen so we left early. The day has finally come, never thought this day wld arrive so soon, its always seems so far away, all the depression and stuff sort of bury my excitment for this trip. have i been looking forward to this day? i can't be very sure myself. Well at least its an opportunity for a break, away from eveything else~

Onli met Yuting once, together with Hongliang, Meiting, Jasper earlier a month ago.. wondered who are these pple i am travelling wif. they seems nice pple from my first impression of them hence i didn't worry too much.. Hongliang and Yuting gave me the impression that they know everything and wld take care of everything thats with this trip, Meiting is a pretty girl with a very kind pair of eyes cld tell she loves trekking alot, Jasper looks really young (despite older than me) and a very friendly person. anyway not that i am worrying too much abt it..ha.. Sheng bought a really ugly pair of slippers for huifen (well in my opinion at least :P) at the market, we took the train to meet the rest. Yuting, Meiting (thats her younger sis, i always mix up their names so sorry abt that) ,huifen and Jasper was there oredi, we greeted each other.. well , my impression of them hasn't change abit. :)

Very soon, Boon, Hongliang, Jiwei and his gf lynn together wif keith came and we are all set to go. Boon looks like Rambo in soccer shorts he looks really fit and raring to go, Jiwei and lynn looks a lovely couple in a realxed mood, Hongliang's backpack was incrediblily small... and Keith looks exactly like a adventurer from the way he dress... think other than keith , the rest of us looks like we are going chalet then going trekking 4095m to the summit of Mt Kinabalu~ :P ha

Well, we met, we go...took a tibs bus to the causeway,had our passport checked, and from then on its one hell of a really painful process b4 we cld even set foot on the malaysian borders. i wun elaborate further on the process but its similar to the feeling of thousands of pigs lining up in narrow, stuffy channels waiting to be slaughtered one by one and the gate... very similar to that.
While waiting for wensheng and his maiden to check in. Hongliang and i was thinking and telling to each other the observations of the malaysian girls we made... our verdict : They all look the same ha
anyway, its juz guys way of killin time... wensheng and huifen finally cross the check pts and we are on our way to lunch.

We walked ard, had our meal in this small thai-ish coffee shop.. that plays thai MTVs while we are eating.. well not very impressive food.. except the wanton mee, it has the smell of the wanton mee i ate as a child... rekindled some of the wonderful memories.. well, i have to stress though, its juz the smell.. the food itsef is another story. :P

We then wander off to this huge shopping mall.. forgot its name though ,bought some food for the trip... we got one hour to jalan then we made our way to the interchange where there is bus services to Senai airport terminal. An hour bus trip sets us off to our flight at 6.20pm. Flight was a bored 2 hour flight there, as usual my air sickness caught up on me again, i was like near total deaf after the touch down... Sheng and Huifen got to know this american guy on board the plane, his name is Rocky. Rocky was born in hongkong, family moved to california. He is on his back packing trip and Mt kinabalu is one of them. We then invited him to join us , he is cool abt it and hence he became part of our crew up kina. Oh, i forgot to mention, Rocky's uncanny resemblance to our PM Mr Lee~! gosh~ the eyes, the nose, the smile,at least 90%~resemblance! Well we can now boast PM Lee is travelling wif us to kina.. haha. can't wait to show my friends the pictures.

Strangely, i click very well wif Rocky... maybe becoz we both love Galsberg ha~ :D after checking in at Trekkers Lodge, we went for a drink at BB cafe nearby.while the rest went back to the hostel for a good night sleep (we have to wake up 6am) ,rocky and i chatted and drank late into the night. We got to know Andrew, also a traveller, from england, wigan. He is doing his PHD in unversity of Liverpool (he is onli 21!), we talked whole night abt soccer, Liverpool, how Wigan got promoted,... he demostrated us the diffrent accent from scottish to irish, to scouser , to londoner.. haha pretty entertaining. I would say thats the best night i have for the whole 4 day trip. Drinking wif a scouser, i didn't noe i can match their ability to drink~ phew~ they basically takes beer for water man.. strong~ . So much things to say.. love travelling.. and really enjoy toking wif fellow travellers..

1am we went back to the hostel, had a good bath, and a sweet nice sleep that sums up Day 1 of my kina trip.
Right till this moment, i still didn't feel or comes to terms that i am actually on a tedious climbing trip, i am still in a very very relaxed mood.... glad to noe 1 more new friend... no, actually i am glad to noe 10 more new friends. They are nice pple. :)

mt kinabalu- the preparations...

2005-08-02T22:30:00.000+08:00

4 more days to 6th of august~ foop... when is the last time i went trekking? during the days in army... so many SOPs to bring, weapons to carry, signal sets, food, equipments... tons of load to squeeze inside this small but surprisingly durable backpack...after so many mountain climbing trips u could say i am suppose to be a seasoned trekker... hmmm now that its time for the trekking for leisure kind.. i realise i dun really noe wat to prepare... sigh..

ok its going to be a 3 day trekking thing... so chop chop curry pork.. no need to bring so many stuff... after sorting out my stuff i realised i need one more pair of berms.. and a warm jacket... its -10 degrees celsius up there they say... well based on the pics i found in yahoo images and travel blogs todae, i better dun take my chances... haha... ok got to get it tomolo...

realised i am short of money... my pay is $700+, deducting 300 to bing, 188 to the air ticket, plus daily expenses i dun have money to bring thr and buy the necessary clothing... jialat.. lucky jiaxin lend me $100,... to bring over thr...but no money to buy things like gloves, berms, jacket and socks...sigh.. then something happened, dunno why there is this letter on my latop when i came home this evening, it says somebody's else name, but the address is my home address, not mine. but i opened it and found $100 takashimaya voucher inside.... i wun noe who the vouncher is for...hence can't return... unknowingly my problems have been solved instantly... strange and its true... it happened on the day when i decided to plan for the trip ( after dragging the matter for so long)... and its there when i needed it most..right on the spot... how strange..

anyway... i amgoing shopping at taka tomolo~ yey

one more thing, i wonder why girls dun care abt their behavior and the way they present themselves when they are not with men..., girls in the female dominated MCYS, especially my office when there is onli 3 guys... they behave like wild crazy woman.. they shout, they scream, they laugh at each other.. yes..laugh.. they laugh like monsters... imagine a monster laughing... exactly the same... i hear that everyday... damn jialat... they took off they shoes inside office... eat tibits , ok they grab tibits... untidy werkplaces are norms... gossip like nobody else's buisness.... damn damn jialat... amazing how i begin to observe things ard me... or i wld say its amazing how much i used to take things ard me for granted... anyway thats abt it... :D

still miss bing though.. wondered how she is...
still no mail from her..sigh..

whr's kitty?

2005-07-21T19:07:00.000+08:00

hmm, whr is the kitty? there is this angel white kitty outside my hse for few days le, on my birthday 2 days ago, i played wif it outside my hse, very adorable kitty, but mum wldn't let her in. sad... then this morning when i go to werk, as i opned the door, she is there again , outside looking at me.. it recognise me, she walked up to me and cuddle herself against my legs seeking attention.. looking at me wif its innocent eyes.. actions like that in the morning really warms my heart... i walked down the stairs , she followed~ sometimes she wld squeeze thru between my legs as i walk, i walk slowly and carefully not to step on her.. so cute! ah cldn't bear to go werk but i have to... it keep following me, i am afraid it might cross the road wif me.. very dangerous, but luckily she didn't she stopped at the void deck watching me leave... sob.. i told myself i will bring her in if i see her again tonite... its 11.45pm now... my door is still open, still waiting for her.. whr is she? she must be hungry i wanna give her food.. sigh... i always thought i could relate more to dogs n puppies, didn't know cats can touch my heart too... hope to see her again tonite.. will look for her later~ :)

sigh.. bing leaving for europe on sat... really worried for her..but i noe she will come back safe.. really happy to see her again the other night... for once in more than 2 months i get to see her, noe wats she is thinking, how she is doing, and everything i wan to noe abt her... it feels really good toking to her... feel so comfortable.. juz like toking to someone really really close to u... dun think i wld find another person like her... time passes really fast , we were so engrossed with chatting wif one another that we didn't realise how time flies, very soon its 3am.. sigh.. if we dun have werk tomolo i think we can go on till morning.... sob,its always so comfortable wenever i am wif her... she gave me a birthdae hug... juz like 4 yrs ago... juz that tis time, this hug is more precious.. more memories, more emotions and feelings.. its her i am hugging again... sob... love her so much so much..

azhar is having problems wif his gf, i told him abt his flaws yesterdae, he went back and ask his brother, and mum... they all agreed wif me... so todae during lunch, he ask me for advice... i said i can't give him advices, but i can tell him wat i have been thru... and how i reflected and realise my mistakes and my weakness.. basically i told azhar that in a relationship if we can think less of 'me' and 'i' and instead think more abt 'you' and 'we' .... it wld be a much more stronger relationship... i see azhar i see my old self... things like juz becoz exams is coming i have to spend less time wif gf... or becoz i wanna go out wif kaki on sat die die me and bing cannot meet... juz becoz i wanna watch movie in yishun we have to watch in yishun, so much it became a habit a routine.. i told azhar all the mistakes i made... and asked him " does the old me sound like u now?" i am glad he can see the picture... i told azhar he has been too selfish all along...but if we can throw away the 'i' and 'me' we can actually make everyone ard us more happy... i told him to call his gf now, becoz i noe his gf is giving him alot of chances, she still loves him alot... :) they are meeting tonight, he is seeing her home from werk,... i am really glad i can help. hopefully azhar dun make the same mistakes again.. its very precious and nan de to find someone who u really love and could really click well wif ... sob. miss bing... all the time...

ok tomolo fri le... weekend! can rest le... will pray for bing's safety..
for now i will try look for kitty at the corridor... nitez~

best birthdae gift...

2005-07-19T10:56:00.000+08:00

sigh.. 19th of july... literally the saddest birthdae of my life..

supposely we are to meet tonite... still pondering over to meet her or not..
after she went for lunch, i logged out.. i need to clear my mind, trash out my thoughts, make a decision... despite my aching ankles, i decided to go for a walk...
sat at the bus stop for 1hr 10 mins, buses and passengers come and go.. i really dunno whr to go... all that comes to my mind is, she says she still have feelings for me... sob, thats perhaps the best birthdae present i will ever get this year...

but why? why am i always a subject, a subordinate to the decisions she makes, the words she says, the things she do,juz becoz she wans to leave me, i have to let her go, juz becoz she wans to see me, to see how am i doin, i have to let her see my pathetic self shield by a strong fake front, juz becoz she says she says its impossible to be togehter again i have to give up all my hopes, juz becoz she says she still loves me, i have to be happy again ... sob,... god pls help me.. i have a choice! i dun have to meet her u noe?! i dun have to....sob

857 came... i board the bus, not knowing where to go.. the bus took the expressway.. towards town, to jalan basar, i saw funics's office , a huge banner outside their 3 storey building, first time i passed by their office.. been a long time since i last met them...then the bus reach simlim.. i alighted one stop after simlim.. i realise i am at guan ying temple.. i needed help badly... actually wanted to call jiaxin out as she is off todae, but she got workshop to attend, afterall she can't be wif me all the time... i walked towards the temple, lots of old pple pushing flowers and tissues to me, asking me to buy... i so much wanted to.. but i can't.. i barely had enough for myself to last me thru the month... as i turn my eyes away from them i felt a rush of guilt, which strengthen my determination to help others whenever i am able to to... but very basic citeria i must be able to take care of myself first... obviously i still couldn't meet this citeria... but i am recovering slowly though...

The golden satue of guan ying is majestic, mystic and at times frigthening to look at, hundreds of pple bow and kneel in front of her... i am no exception.. i walked in.. took my slippers off, clam my palms , like the rest i kneel infront of her,... wat is it i seek for? i am praying.. but for wat, i dunno... i closed my eyes... all i can think of is bing... i prayed for her safety and success in europe and her masters, i wished her studies go smoothly.. i promised guanying i will huan shen when bing touch down safely on 7th aug... i stood up, still cldn't look at guan ying in her eyes..i dunno why, i walked over to the side and made a small donation. i walked out the temple pray again for the well being of my family members b4 i left the place...

i walked ard the place , then ah da called, he is ard town attending his friend's ROM ask me wanna meet up or smth... i said fine, its been 5 months i think since we last met.. we met at PS , played snooker for a while, had dinner , he bought me angels and demons for my birthdae present~ yey, smth to read again... but i still haf way thru my neil gaimen, smoke and mirrors.... i sms jiaxin abt this as she too wan to read this book~ so now i got jiaxin, sis and ah da waiting to read this book... i better do it quick~ haha.. sigh sometimes i wish i can share these little joy of reading , especially da vinci code, and those short stories written by neil gaimen wif bing... i always like to share my little joys wif her.. i like to give her stuffs that i like... becoz i wish she cold share theese joys wif me.. sob.. really miss her alot..

10pm, i took the train hope.. reading the first chapter of angels and demons, jiaxin suddenly sms me... she says she is on the train reaching kahtib ask if we cld meet.. i am surprised she sms becoz i noe she is tired after a day's work especially todae is supposingly her off day, plus she doing opening tomolo, i said fine if she is not tired but i will reach onli half an hour later... i reached 848 , jiaxin was there doing her werk, doing calculations on the stores stock intake and stuff like that... she looked tired and obviously didnlt have enough time to rest... we didn't chat or wat, juz a word or two.... i am still wondering y she wanna meet and yet she is busily doin her stuff... the question in my mind, i set off to find an answer to is yet to be solved... shld i meet bing? i am bothered by this qns becoz, i am still recovering from it.. and i am doin fine, i know for sure if i meet her tonite i will fall into that shitty pithole again... i really dun wan to.. it really hurts down there... really really hurts...but at the same time, i miss bing.. all along all i wanted is to see her again... she her smile, is she well and good.. i miss her... so much.. i am so fan..

anyway... i realised jiaxin purposely came down to accompany me becoz she knew i am alone the whole day, and todae i will be meeting bing.. she came to lend me emotional support... sob,.. i dun wan to let her down.. but i noe i am letting my emotions rule over me again.. hence i made the decision.... putting all our diffrences aside... throw away all the pains and emotions.. the hurt she gave me... deep down... i love her.. more than anything else... even if its another wall i have to bash my head against, even if i noe old wounds will split , new wounds will be inflicted, i will still brace myself to meet her.. its all i ever wanted to... 74 days since i last met her... sob.. nvr been so long we spent apart away from each other... sob.. see her again wld be my best birthdae present this year...

northpoint~

2005-07-11T19:22:00.000+08:00

phew, juz reach home.... overslept, 851 went straight to interchange... sigh.. its been a long time since i go there... i decided to gather my courage to take a walk...at 'our place' , northpoint...

i walked past old chang kee.. we used to buy curry puffs b4 movies,.. sigh.. i walk and walk to starbucks , to cold storage, to GV , to kfc...our last meal together.. sob

"why does it have to be like this...?"

i decided to walk back to interchange... dunno why i queue up at old chang kee and bought 2 curry puffs... one for me the other for her... juz like old times...

sigh... i still miss her like hell.....

breaking out of the shell

2005-07-09T19:04:00.000+08:00

magnificant week of recovery for me... after the last conversation wif bing, i woke finally realising everything has been as she said "impossible" ...

i think for the past three months, the emotional, mental and physical struggles has taken a toll on me... i am so tired.. so tired....for the past 3 months, pressures of exams, the break up, the hurt bing gave me.. my efforts to reflect , work, my push to paint straight after werk.. i literally wake up at 730 am and wld go to bed earliest 2am... the pain... the sadness,... the 'whys' ... the lost.. the remorse... nvr experienced so much pain b4... and i am really tired le...

when i realised its all over for us, whr she actually said how evil a person i am.. i noe she will nvr accept me again. although still puzzled by wat she said ( she actually felt like that while she is wif me? judging me by my actions and not the person inside me... condemmed me to my doom..at one pt i finally found a little bit of hate for her... ) ...however wat she said had taken a huge huge burden off my shoulders... i realised its no longer impt or not, holding it , our relationship any longer... she left me for good. perhaps its that little bit of hatred for her that helps , that hatred whr she can onli judge me thru my negative actions and nvr think deep wat kind of person i am, the hatred whr she wldn't credit me for the happiness i gave her, the love, the memories...yes, hatred for ignoring the memories which means so much to me... and lastly not giving me to chance to change, overwrite my efforts to reflect, the struggles i been thru for the past 3 months to realise my mistakes and change,... calls me a animal who can't change its spots.. actually of all the words she used to hurt me, i nvr once blamed her... becoz i love her... i still do... but somehow she let me saw another side of her that i haven't seen b4... her perspective of seeing things.. hai nvm , at times i still wldn;t believe wat i saw of bing.. but its really poinitless now~

wah tell u smth man, i actually slept throughout the week like a polar bear!! mondae, i werk the go back , slept at 8 pm all the way to morning, this carried on for tues and thurs... wed is supposed to be the same, i slept at 8 om then 12 am jiaxin and hanxiong came down to 848 and we chatted and ate supper~ i realised i have many common interest wif hanxiong~ cept for the fact that i am liverpuldian while he is a hardcore chelsea blues~ haha then ard 2 am we climbed the fence over the navel base pri sch , our old sch.. wah everything changed man.. we visited their toilets, so farnie... they even gt their own golf club! after that i went home at 4am plus... didn;t went back to sleep.. , i was thinking me and bing actually studied the same sch when we are young, i imagined a scene whr we cross paths in sch, but we dun noe each other... who wld have tot she could gave me so much memories... so much happy memories.. if there is a delorean , i wld go back ask my young self to befriend her... say hi or smth like that... haha... life is so special... so special to find that special person u love so much. yet the love has onli developed more than 10 over years later.... but sadly it died shortly after... still i really cherish this relationship in my heart.. at the end of the day, whr we put down all our diffrences, i touch my heart... its still bing that i love dearly...
this thought went on for awhile, abit emotional towards the end... luckily jiaxin haven sleep, i go online and saw her thr, like she is always thr wif me for this darkest period of my life.. i am really really grateful for that, she is really a nice person~ thks buddy!

though i have decided never to touch mahjong and gamling again, yesterdae i gio qingbing and yongyou for mahjong~ haha i planned this for jiaxin, i noe she lovessss to play mahjong but always cldn't find kaki,she off yesterdae so i gio her over for mahjong~ haha glad to cheer her up in any way i can~ oh~ jiaxin actually joined the SOS volunteer werk~ as for me i applied to be volunteer at SAdeaf , i am learning sign language now~ i think i will devote one day of the week to those whom in need... why did i choose SAdeaf? hmm dunno, maybe becoz i experienced the feeling of imagine being trapped in a sealed dark box...no matter how u shout no one hears... no matter how pple outside shout u can't hear... i experienced this during my depression and the daes i miss bing so much yet i can't tell her or anyone... she wldn't care abt me whether i am dead or not anyway ... that feeling of not beinng able to express ur emotions to anyone... i think deaf and mute pple experienced that all the time ba... plus i do volunteer work becoz the pain i go thru is nuthin compared to the pain these deaf children been thru~

to round up the events for the week, my body finally got the rest it deserved, i have been pushing myself too hard.. sometimes we do need a break, so that we can walk a longer journey~ right? haha oh gerrad finally signed a 4 yr contract todae! after he broke his promise to stay at liverpool despite saying he will stay after winning the champions league he broke his promise on mondae when offered a contract worth 100000 per week believing liverpool wan to cash him off to other club so that they can use the money to finance other players... i was like wat?? my shattered heart breaks again man...hours after this news broke out, gangster club, chelsea immediately bid 32 million rising to 40 millions pounds for gerrard! liverpool onli got 24 hours to clear things up wif gerrard, it turn out to be a communication break down btw the player and the club... the liverpool chief executive , rick parry (2nd in command) actually calls gerrad and had a heart to heart tok wif gerrard... the misunderstanding finally cleared... in wat is described as a emotional night, gerrard made a last min u-turn to stay in the club! and i got the news first hand!! haha i was like waiting in office at 4.15pm(the time when the club website release its news) 4.15:" latest rick parry called liverpooltv to say gerrard is staying... reports shortly.." 4.17pm " gerrard stays!-- full report " haha wah phew... thk god he stayed!! i really cldn't think anyone in the world now can replace him lor~ i mean gerrard is a world class player, he can win more trophies, paid higher and able to choose to play in any club in europe yet he choose to stay in liverpool , the club he supported as a boy.. sob... dramamama .....haha i siao liao... ok and lastly..........
" whr is my pay???" arhh how come azhar they all got their pay liao except me! ahhh, mondae got to go H.R to sort this out!

great morning~

2005-07-04T11:37:00.000+08:00

This morning when i wake up, the sky is dark and drizzling outside my window... strangely, the usual sense of lost didn't overcome me todae...juz wat bing said last night flashing across my head constantly...

i got up, brush my teeth... had my usual tea and read my newspapers... still the sense of lost is not there...as i walked towards the bus stop thought abt it... then i realised bing has unknowingly answered the qns to my heart... the reason why she wldn't accpet me again no matter wat i do... i finally noe why

all the things, flaws she said abt me, and the way she treats me... tells alot wat she is thinking... i wondered if she had bottled up all these thoughts constantly over the years or she thought abt it after the break up... i really dunno... if she has bottled up these over the years, then is she cheating on me?after all she did cheat on me b4(smoking), she too,after all assured me i am not a lousy bf to her, and these deep thoughts she told me last night, she nvr mentioned to me before, and claims that i didn't gave a a chance to say... she said she gave me many chances, chances she gave but not known to me... but obviously to her, its very hard to tok to me.., she likes to do things she thought, and assumed the person i am wldn't give her a chance to say anything,... perhaps she is right ba, in the past i always try to prove my pt and didn't listen to her... but she actually thinks i actually enjoy doin wat i did to my family... despite knowing me for 5 yrs .... speaks alot wat is she thinking and the misconceptions she have had abt me..., guess i really cldn't understand her , and same she thought she understand me well enough to actually KNOW wat a person i am... guess both of us nvr quite undersand each other after all...
and obviously.. wat ever i do now wun mean anything to her...

its amazing how one can remember and state so clearly the flaws of the person u love,... and not consider the good the person has in him/her, the things he/she did and the happiness he/she brought to another person..... i hear anger and frustration in bing's tone on msn yesterdae.. she didn't even wish to hear my voice... jiaxin says i am too simple minded in wat girl think, i think i am beginning to think she is right... now i think back wat yanli said to bing abt how they wun even be frens if they aren't sis.. reminds me of one of those days i saw how bing toks to yanli at home... things she herself told me how she hurts her mum a few years back when she is younger, her temperament, and the fact that she did cheated on me behind my back... i onli found out she smoke when i found the lighter... these things as bing said to me are all facts , ' u are wat u are' ...that means shld i believe that the real bing is in fact another person? that no matter wat she do she can't change becoz inside her is wat she realli is~ am i expected to believe this when i noe bing has been trying all these yrs to become a better person herself, based on wat bings says, i can onli change my behaviour and not the real me.. does that apply the same to her too?... and now she is a better person she didn't give others a chance? (she didn't give me a chance) ,tok abt forgiving in buddism...nvm... i wun go into that... pretty pointless now... no pt pointing finger now, becoz she wld htinking i am always proving my pt and all that... blah blah its really pointless now...hmm thinking back, she keep saying she said very clearly why we broke up...and i shldn't keep toking to her abt it anymore yet its onli yesterdae i realise she is holding all these thoughts.. even the flaws i have i have to painfully reflect and realise on my own... has she been clear so far? i guess no.

why didn't i think of all these in the past? i am too obssessed in wanting bing back , i onli rememebers the good and happiness she brings to me.. which explains why i onli mentions the happy memories we have together.... somehow wat bing said yesterdae managed to opened another 'eye' in my mind to look at things in another pt of view... if i think like her 'u are wat u are' then i wld have broken up wif her when i knew she betrayed my trust for her.. (she didn't noe how much she hurt me at that pt of time, when i found out myself wat she did) and when i saw how she treats her sis... i didn't becoz i know i still love her, i know she loves her sis alot.. she is not like that... i guess i understand her actions becoz she and i is very alike ba... i noe she dun mean it.. she is a loving person at heart.~ guess in a way i am more forgiving than her ba..

anyway , frm wat bing said yesterdae, somehow tells me that no matter wat i did wldn't change anything becoz the misconceptions she had abt me( can't believe she onli believes my actions and not the real motive and personality i am behind all those actions , this after 5 yrs together... abit yi han) ... i can't change her mentallity becoz its entirely up to her.. sorry jiaxin, our efforts during the weekend has probably gone down the waste... i was thinking of baking some chocolate chip cookies for bing , going to pass to her todae, i even made the paper bag to put those cookies, guess its really pointless to give her now, the fact that she dosen't wish to see me or even appreciate my efforts, ... hai...nvm, its alright.. wo kan kai le...hmm even though i fail at least 6 times baking the cookies based on the recipe from the net, going up n down to and fro ntuc and home , i am really glad i finally made it! i finally know how to bake chocolate cookies!! no need to buy famous amous liao haha, tks jiaxin , u really been a great great buddy!! she heard how i failed so many times, she offered to come my house to help me~~ sob great fren~

even though bing is still holding on to the conceptions of wat a person i am b4 the break up, i believe i myself have moved on... the reflections i did over the past 2 months will not go to waste, its the first time in my life i reflected so deeply... and i believed it had changed my thinking and mentallity abt things ard me especially my love ones... and looking back i am glad i made those reflections , even though in the beginning i am doing it for her... but now i feel that i am doing it for myself... i lost her.. but i did gain some other things that are precious as well, guess god is not entirely unfair to me~ (^_-) , but no matter wat i have to thks bing for telling me to become a better person, i still love u alot, and from the way u didn't answer my qns whther u still love me, i know u still love me too.... i am really grateful for all the wonderful memories we have had together... it will be wif me till the day i grow old and die...

well in a way i am still holding on to the love i have for bing, she said we can nvr be together, well perhaps ba... but i prefer to let things takes its own course... perhaps my dream gal is really out there waiting for me... or better, me and bing can be back together again ooo.. though its now a dream rather than a reality possibly , until my love for her isn't so passive anymore i wun love another girl... that wld take probably takes a long time to heal ba~ (^_^)
i once believe bing and i is a fairy tale comes true... imagine finding someone so alike~ think its like one in a million... though she doesn't believes in fairy tales anymore, i still do... despite all the realities in life, i feel that everyone of us shld keep a space in our life for fairy tales to grow... has bing n i fairy tale ended? clearly seems so... well i really dunno. fairy tales always have unexpected outcomes.....but fairy tales had mostly ended happy endings... though me n bing didn't, at least she did gave me a feeling of living inside a fairy tale before... feeling of real happiness.. and i thank her gratefully for that.. thks bing.. u means everything to me~ luv u

hey the sun has come out straight after i reach MCYS, great morning after all~ :D

jia you!

2005-07-01T11:06:00.000+08:00

lovely isn't she?

She is the girl of my life....

she makes everything around me meaningful...

She is yanbing (^_^)!

I have been really depressed these days... i noe i shldn't but i still did...this depression juz got to stop here.. i have been thinking.. why drown myself wif sadness? why allow this depression to take over my mind? if i keep feeling sad and miserable , wldn't it affect those pple ard me?

even though i have been tryin to hide my emotions from my parents, everydae i camouflage my tears wif the shower inside the bathroom, once i step outside the bathroom, i have to act my usual self again in front of my family members.. i joke, smiled, picker wif sis,mum and dad~ dun wan them to worry...dun wish them to see me like this...

xian, you been working so hard to change, to learn so much abt appreciating, treasuring, protecting, and spreading the love ard u... u thrown ur pride and idiotic principles away, totally focused urself in finding who u are as a person, those long reflections of urself, those mental struggles to come to terms wif these bad kharmas u have planted long time ago... those long hours of battles alone btw the u and ur old self... long hours of fighting guilt, remorse and regrets... if u are going to let urself into depression again, all these efforts are going to go down the drain... dun make the same mistakes again~ watch ur mind u must! it is my response to the setback that matters~ dwelling on mistakes can't change anything~i have to keep a clear mind to do wat i have to do..

Ultimately, will bing be happy to see u like this? more importanly, will she accept me again if i am like this? NO! she wun! how can she have faith in a person again, whom cldn't even control his own emotions? jiaxin says i am a man, a guy, i shldn't be so sentimental , qingbing ask me " why haven u gotten over her??" he speaks as if its onli right and normal to do that, get over bing and move on... after all he onli just broke up 3months ago, by the way i see it, he did gotten over her oredi....i am really amazed by how my kakis does things like that...they nvr carry much emotianal struggles... zhiliang on the other hand can change gf as and when he pleases.. how on earth can they do that!? they really behaves like robots, as long as they can satisfy their needs, any girl is juz a tool... or a product that can be discarded away as and when they please...sigh.., i on my part didn't gave them a straight reply... or trying to argue things like they dun understand...or they are 3rd party hence rationale in their advices.. i juz listened...

i said to jiaxin.. i think, if i am not a sentimental person like i am, bing wldn't love me the first place ba.. rite? becoz like bing, we are both very sentimental persons... lots of things ,we are very alike... think that explains the chemistry and frequency btw us ba~

As for qingbing, i ask him, "dun u miss ur gf at all?" he ans "no" ... i prompt further , he said tat whenever he thinks of her, or see the places he and her had been b4, he will juz simply not think abt it...throw it into the back of his mind.. then he keep doin that after some time ... he got over her very fast... in juz less than 3 months he is ready to look for another relationship... sigh... i tot to myself " is this love?" , and things like " guess most likely bing is doing the same think as qingbing ba, simply dun think and move on.. as time goes by, the distance bing had run away frm me, it wld be impossible for me catch up anymore" ...she wld have forgotten this precious love...by then..

the very thought of that fills my heart wif sadness.. it seems to them that it seems so easy to let go... they may say and told me its hard but if i try and i can do..... but thinking abt it , its quite practical, dun think , dun miss the person... and the memories juz 'store' them in to the database.. inside our brain,whenever we miss somebodey juz brush it aside,eventualy one fine day we retrieve these memories, they wld no longer be meangful information/memories any more... they are juz simply raw data that once carry meaning to ur life...... memories that wldn't bring a smile or tears in ur face anymore... hence i believe its no longer the question of hard or easy to let go... its do u wan or dun wan to let go...for me i really dun wish to let go...i mean its ah bing! for goodness sake!

so y wldn't i wanna let go? i guess its becoz, i believe we still love each other ba... if its the case of bing dosen't love me anymore then i have no choice but to let go... or if bing has fallen for another person then i have not much of a choice either... our love has nvr faded.. sob.. i really hope my sincerity can moved her abit..let her know that, i really seek to change from inside.. not juz on the surface... i know i really disappointed her alot... but somehow i know that deep inside she still loves me...but many times i really can't figure why she is so cold towards me.. or does she even still loves me? can she tell or feel the efforst i have made? sob sigh ... qns qns, bombarding me....i noe she still feels hurt..sob

the most devastated part for me realising all my mistakes, uncovering them one by one,.. and realising how much hurt i brought to ah bing... my dar dar ... sob.. i really really felt very hurt when i learn how much i hurt her... i can never fogive myself.... i slapped myself dunno how many times in the bathroom..juz to overcome the pain i felt inside.. but it seems that no matter how hard i inflict pain to myself, the hurt deep inside my heart will hurt even more...bing,.. sob i feel so xin ku, i really do...

another thing that hurts me deeply is bing dun recognise or understand my efforts.. sob, i do understand that watever i do now cldn't really affect her directly... but thats becoz i really do it from the bottem of my heart... i dun wan to do things juz to show her " see i have changed" , i wan to really change... and clear consicience, i noe i really did... but bing says i am a leopard who cldn't change his spots.. i was so devastated when i saw that mail... sigh.. things like that i can't tell anyone...not even jiaxin or qingbing.. i am doing this alone.. yet the person that matters me the most cldn't understand the things i have done.. sob

xian, u mustn't give up.. becoz if u give up, u would really have nuthin le,... hang on... bing is still running, keep chasing..one day u will find her, jia you!

the portrait of bing nice? every stroke of my brush on her face feels like i am touching her face... sob, dunno cried in front of the laptop how many times while doin the portrait.... all the times i do late at night , so no one in the family wld see.. often till 3am, sometimes at night i cldn't control myself, i put my mouse down and touch "her cheek" on my LCD screen wif my fingers..tears wld juz flow and flow.... sigh, think i am going blind soon...

My heart felt really heavy now.. bing is juz 3 weeks away from flying~ i wish so much to spend all my avaliable time wif her... accompany her to her practices.. hold her hand , chat wif her on the train, eat wif her... juz the feeling of having one another~ and nuthin else on this earth can disturb us... the feeling of having one another for the rest of our lives.. to hold and to love.. juz like that days in chalet, in a world of our own..... there are many things i need to tell bing... sigh... but i can;t even see her now... sob , i really miss her..... its been 2 months i have last seen her.. sob.. onli her portrait warms my heart now.. she look really happy in her photograph~ ... she means the world to me... sob

i must be strong, if not i can't take care of her.. xian jia you! u can do it!

fear...

2005-06-29T15:22:00.000+08:00

fear...

wat do we fear most...? i remember as a child i use to be very afraid of death... very afraid.. the fear of losing control of my hands and legs and the ability to see and think .... and going into deep long sleep without any dreams scares me to tears.... i wld have sleepless nights.. everytime i these thoughts gave me the shivers, i wld jump out of bed, and run into my sis room and wake her up telling her i am afraid to die....

then slwoly i am beginning to fear my family members wld die too... i fear losing my love ones.. so afraid i wld follow my mum wherever she goes juz to stay wif her... i told myself at least if she dies i die wif her too... then we wldn't be seperated...

then my fear spreads itself to the toys i played... be it figures, cars, robots, lego, i wan to make sure that these toys must be together... i cldn't bear the thought of them, among the toys, losing 'each others' company... whenever one toy goes missing in the basket, i wld search high and low for the toy no matter how long it takes... the toy wld be all alone and seperated from the rest if i dun find it soon...

these toys, everyone of them, i still kept them until todae... i can't lose them.. they are afterall toys that accompanied me throughout my childhood~ they are huge part of my memories , my life... i juz can't throw them away... they are simply part of me...

sob.. i am sorry........i am choking now.. choking wif sadness... in my relationship wif bing, its always my fear of losing her, the fear of losing her clouds my head constantly.. but i dunno why in recent years this lousy character of mine, always refusing to bow to anyone,.. not even fear,this helps me brush away this thought from my mind... inside my mind, i juz wan to hold on to myself and my stoopid principles.... this i know now, i am deeply influenced by my kakis... they too are like that.. everytime we goes out we like to argue wif one another.. we argue abt soccer, billard, skills, knowledge.. money~ thats how we communicate wif one another.. as idiot as i am i brought this habit home... home to bing.. why?!! why did i do that!!
i hate myself i totally hate myself~ sigh... sob

i have stopped gambling, watchin soccer, mahjong and meeting wif kakis for the past 2 months.... they called but i juz dun wish to go out wif them ... until last week , junwei of all person persuade me to go to their regular bbq session... i am depressed that afternoon with no one in the hse, so i tot maybe i shld go see them at least once awhile.... venue is east coast.. they were laughing and having fun... bbq-ing eating... i was sitting at the table thinking and looking blankly to space~

i looked at them and the things they said... i tot to myself am i really happy wif them? is this the kind of life i enjoy whenever i go out wif them? thinking back... i realise whenever we go out, its either watch soccer or play billard... do i enjoy watching soccer? or am i blinded my greed and the urge to gamble? do i actually enjoy playing billard when we all noe that zhiliang always play billard becoz he is the best there and always wans to win our money... we on the other hand bu fu qi, wanna beat him so play wif him... is that the happiness i crave? frankly speaking.. qingbing is rather my close fren rather than the rest of them... qb at least be thr for me when i down... i too accompanied him when he is down... its a two way kind of friendship, compared to the rest i rather say the wil to compete wif one another brought us together... why didn;t i realise this earlier? why.. jeopordise a beautiful love wif bing for these pple?? why~?!! ... everytime i discover my mistakes, guilt and agony feels my lungs , blaoting it even further.. choking me yet not killing me... wish to die yet i can't... i miss bing...sob.. i really do :(

it leads me to think of all the real happiness i ever had... i felt real happiness whenever i drew smth that surprises even me... " did i drew this?" i wld look at the things i drew i find real happiness frm thr...

then its bing...
i remember the late nights we chatted in icq , those where really sweet and happy times.. i rememebr the first time i hugged her outside her house on my birthdae... sob.. i can still remmber very clearly the feeling, my heart was like beating damn fast... i can still remember the smell of her hair... her skin touching mine... excited and really happy :)...i remember the very first time me hugging her from behind at the stairs.. she is wearing a long sarong skirt then...i tought to myself its really magic that brought us together... suddenly i remember us playing counterstrike at the building near chijmes, haha... i remember its a counterstrike made in local senerios.. we were having fun~ :D...

i remember the times i am in camp... i wld call her every night.. and always looking forward to see her during the weekends~ sometimes i wld be training overseas... i subscribed autoroaming juz so that i can talk to her over thr... even its onli at most 3 weeks for every overseas stint... i cldn't give up any chance of toking to her~ i noe she too wld be waiting for my call,~ my first trip abroad is taiwan... becoz it is the first time training overseas, i feel it very very tough... but i kept going.. i wanna complete the 5 days navigation mission fast so that i can go back to base camp and i can call her~ our team surprisingly came first~ (though i admit we cheated :D ), but i wan to let her noe that its her who kept me going.... i gave her the medal which i won~..... sob... hope its still on her desk now..

another most happiest time is when we are at chalet together... those days were one of those days we cld nvr forget throughout our lives.. its perhaps the onli time we we cld live like we are husband and wife... the feeling of er ren shi jie... so so so sweet... we wld stroll at the beach... have meals together... watch tv~, bathe and sleep together... i juz love her so much..sob

watchin movies wif her is always so comfortable... the usual " wake me up when the show ended " act ,or the "ehh wat movie are we watching?" routine jokes for every movie we watched... its not really the movie we watch... its the feeling of doing smth together that gives me happiness... sob.. i really really miss bing...sob

bing... i really really miss u... the happiness u gave me is one no one can replace... no one..
sob...wo men bu yao break hao ma? .... i know my mistakes le.. and i really really sincerely wanted to change and become a better person...i swear i wun be like the old me ever again ... i wun de... sob..

sometimes.. in office, as werk pile up... i wondered if bing wld forget me as her werk pile up.. will bing forgets me and lose the love we have had? will bing miss me when she is alone? sob sob.. i am really really afraid..sob sob... ... wo zhen de huei si... its so so scary to lose a person u love.. so scary... its worse than death... i can't lose bing... she is so impt to me... sob.. so impt.. its so scary to know that the person u love so dearly... and love u so dearly b4, wishes to give it up and dun love u anymore.. sob.. 5yrs of love..whr has it gone to?... i am so scared.. can someone pls help me? pls tell bing , that i love her and i dun wan to lose her.. sob.. i realli noe my mistakes le... i juz wan to have a chance to love her , cherish her, caress her, take care of her all my life... sob... somebody pls help me...pls..i beg u... pls pls pls.....sob

who can hear me?... pls help me... i am so scared...sob

sigh...depression to the max

2005-06-28T14:53:00.000+08:00

Just For Your Love -----K-CI & JoJo

I see the tears
I caused you to cry
Now I know it was a mistake
When I lied
Not a day goes by
I don't wish to see your eyes
I wish I could bring you back my way
Everyday for your love I pray
For your love baby

For your love
I would do anything baby
For your love
I would go anywhere honey
And just for your love I would do anything
It's been awhile
Since I felt your embrace
Things are so sad in my dreams

All I see is your face
I dream about the day you said goodbye
For you your love
I'll climb any mountain
It doesn't matter how high baby

For your love
I would do anything baby
For your love
I would go anywhere honey
And just for you love,
I would do anything
Anywhere
Anything
Just name the song baby I'll sing
There is nothing I wouldn't do for you

i am a monster....

2005-06-24T10:41:00.000+08:00

Blood and tears flows down my heavily smashed head~ ... i have hit the wall she erected from me again... i have forgotten how many times i bashed my head against her wall since the breakup... all i noe my life is now filled wif pain.., regrets, and remorse..... every morning i wake up, i felt giddy, hate the sunlight.... "why wake up xian?" ...." welcome back to world of sadness..." , a voice whispered these questions in my head every morning i close my eyes...

why? .... so many why's... so many qns in my head... i juz wan to kill myself.. i really do... sometimes late into the night i really do have thoughts to end it all... 4.30am.. highest suicide rate ard the world at this particular time...i cld understand y...but why didn't i do it? lack of courage.. timid... afraid of death, iam juz a coward... yet contemplated death.. does she even care ? think even if i died, she wldn't know anyway... maybe she wld even glad that i wun pester her anymore... i am juz a monster to her anyway...

another side of me however pulled myself up, bandage myself from the wounds.. getting ready for the next attempt on the wall probably... watever its intentions, it tries to heal my wounds... reminds me the very fact that i still love her... so is she (i believe she does anyway),..if she does she wldn't wan u to see u like too... i recall the times again we are together.. recall the love we shared, i know she wldn;t wan me to be like this...

everydae, i always in a conflicting world of my own,....sadness, qns, voices, opinions, teachings.. flooding every part of my damaged brain... i dunno how long i can last.. but i am going to keep trying any way...

jiaxin came back from china finally, i finally have someone to tok to... all this while, this blog and jiaxin has become to the onli places i can pour my feelings to... she is a good fren, who listens.. i am grateful for that.. but still there is limited amt of things i can or know how to elaborate to her, believe or not, everytime we come out for kopi, she is always the one doing the toking.. not me... she wld tok abt her problems and stuff.. while i wld briefly describe mine.. she doesn't really noe wat going btw me and bing or the things i have done related to buddhist and changing as a person... infact no one actually knows the changes i have done to myself.. not kenneth not even ah sheng. or qingbing... no one noes... jiaxin knows that i wld say if i want to so she diddn;t ask.. and i appreciate that.. i really do. she is a good companion.

other than that i am a lonely soul... i have really no soul mates.. whom i can tok to ..really no one. i tried to relate to the onli soul i have 'had' ... but wat get in return is being called a murderer , a monster... wif an evil heart by nature... its not her fault any way, after all i did hurt her...

sometimes i wish i wasn't like who i am... i wish maybe i can be like my kakis... zhiliang have many girl soulmates.. some wif extra relationships done behind his gf's back.. so is minghui~ they are nvr lonely... they never commit.. they will never felt hurt nor pain... relationships are smth that comes and go, nuthin to be sad of... sometimes i wish i can hate her... jiaxin says its easy to hate someone that u love.. especially when she hurts u like hell... surprised as i am, no once is there any hatred in my heart for her... not that i dun love her... juz that i love her too much to even try to think maybe i shld hate her, then i wld feel better, she is after all my dearest dar, how can i hate her? .... whenever the thought of happy times of us together, my heart juz softens, tears start to flow... hopefully pple in office didn't see my teary eyes...

some how i know i need this blog to release some of my sadness... it did helps, to a certain extend..

i dunno for how long i am going to keep bashing my head against her wall... jiaxin says one day i will feel very tired and i will walk away.... perhaps i wld.. i am not sure.. but not yet though.. i still have things i have yet achieve... to change for the better... to win her back wif my sincerity and heart.. i dunno if i can accomplish both, but i do know i can achieve the first.. i will keep trying, no matter how many falls i suffered like yesterdae, i will try stand up again... its going to be a hard route to choose compared to hatred.. but she is bing, .. guess i have really no other choices to make after all... :)

i am smiling again~ hoho... guess i started to stand up again... yay! well proof that she really warms my heart~ though she can be equally lethal too ..she is juz like double edged sword~ the Amazon sword wonderwomen carried, that cld slice even atoms and electrons.. getting carried away here..

thinking back now, from the emails and the things bing said... i feel that she is still holding on to the negative thinking of me and the relationship.. can't blame her.. she seems to be strongly affected by it.. even calls me a murderer... she thinks i dun love her that much, or being able to attend to her needs , no matter wat i do it wld change the situation becoz i am who i am , a murderer will always harbour the thoughts to kill, a rapist to rape , a thief to steal... scums exist in every society , i am a scum like them too.....

i nvr denied its my fault.. but it take two hands to clap... if she can sit down wif me nicely tells me that she had been crying in the lift... do u think i wld still be ignorant and not care abit wat she feels? if i do , and puposely ignore her feelings.. , simply dun care then i am a scum, a jerk...she wld be right to call me a bad person by nature...if i am the person like wat she said, i wldn't be so bothered all the time whther she is happy or not or always wanted to noe am i a lousy bf to her......

anyway i noe by saying all these isn't going to help the situation beocoz like she said its in the past.. she is very defensive abt her decision and the situation now, and wld think probably i am trying to convince her decision is wrong, or trying to unsettle her emotions and not admitting my mistakes, she no longer have faith in me... she keeps thinking i am trying to argue wif her when i didn't and onli tries to tok abt it..... again i can't really blame her, coz in the past i always ignore pple's opinion and always trying to prove mine... i simply dun listen... which girl in the right frame of mind wld wan to be wif this kind of person? after realising all these , does she know how much i hate myself? i comtemplated suicide hugely becoz i am ashamed of the mistakes i did and the kind of person i am... i am ashamed. sick... hate myself...so much.. many nights i cried to myself ask myself why?? why am i like this? wat makes me like this? it is becoz of who i am that hurts bing so much that she turn herself against me... god~, i hurt bing becoz of who i am! when i realise this i juz wan to kill myself... i really really do... i even went to the kitchen and stared blankly at the basin , knives hanging on the wall.... keep asking myself "why am i like this?"

i have hurt the person i love most... the person i so care abt... the person whom we been thru thicks and thins together...the person i call bing.. i realised my mistakes.. but she didn't believe me.. she no longer believes me.. sigh..

hai..

sorry need to stop for the moment need to keep my emotions in check.. i am in the office! wat i wanna say is, i am really not the old xian i am any more... i can't claim that i have changed either becoz everytime whenever a situation that for my response.. i still need to think for ard few seconds before i make sure i do make the correct decision... my first response is always the old xian's way of response.. i need the few seconds more so that i can think twice abt how my decision will affect others... this i am glad i am practising it pretty well... cept that when it comes to bing.. and my emotions for her, i really can't control it well yet.. becoz there is so much things i wanted to tell her.. but dunno how to start.. things like these abt how i learned to think for others that i practise in everyday life... i really dunno how to tell her.. sound quite dumb to say this kind of things like i think for who or this and this i responded in another way , sound weird ... ya? hence i didn't really, in fact i didn't tell anyone the things i did... but these thing i need bing to noe... i wan to let bing noe that i am not a bad person by nature, and for the person i loved , i am willing to do anything.. really anything , not juz for the surface onli but deep down, i wan to change... hence i need the time... its hard, but i noe i can do it... the qns is how to let her noe the tiny things i have done? sigh.. i have to think of smth... in a way that doesn't pester her... and at the same time let her noe...

sigh.. she may have given me up.. given us up... but i didn't... despite the many scars and wounds she inflicted on me.. i still hope , dream , and werk very hard .... i will try my best to topple the wall she erected wif my sincerity and love. here is a new guy (not the old xian) who loves her and willing to do anything for her ..i believe she will feel it one day...... luv u bing.

xian

"Back to you"~ Bryan Adams

2005-06-20T16:43:00.001+08:00

30mins to knock time,.. again i am here writing this lonely blog of mine...

as usual i miss her again, terribly..i noe i have to swallow it all my own... its always i miss her now, miss her then, miss her this , miss her that... guess she wld have grown tired of hearing that by now.... there is after all this limit amt of words i can use to say i miss her.. whr in fact the feeling of missing a person, expecially one thats u luv so much.. its juz indescribable...

smth times end of the dae, i really wish i can ask her, hows ur dae? if she is tired, i wld make her a warmth cup of coffee, if she goes to sleep early i wld love to cover her wif the blanket and watch her slp... she is always so adorable when she sleeps... :)

Did many cases todae... it had been a long dae , think goes the same for bing ba... the cases todae seems quite positive compared to the ones i did last week~ couples in cases i did todae luv one another very much... much like me n bing.. despite conflicts and many diffrences , thru counselling they willing to stay on to the marriage... and do their best to start all over again.. though the report nvr say exactly the reason to it.. we all noe its down to love btw two very special pple...

my relationship wif bing isn't like any other couples whose love fade and die away thru time... that was nvr the reason we broke up... i still love her and still behave wierdly whenever i see her.. haha.. still do stoopid things like listens to her voice (sms) and video in my hp when she is in nepal everydae...i wld play the video of her everydae ( even todae) ,.....while she on the other end of the world , she wld draw heart shapes on snow wif outr names inside it... juz like honey moon period~... our luv is not those very very expressive kind, ours is more everything we keep to our hearts.. very sweet kind... perhaps many too much hidden love that produced the side effects... sigh

buddhism has brought me peace, whenever i felt i am losing control of my mind, i have read its teachings.. and its main pt of spreading love... this i feel its very very impt,... i dunno whether i wld become a buddhist eventually, but i am applying wat i learn everydae... i wrote this blog todae becoz of the cases i did todae that i feel had put me in another perspective in my mind... love~

i love bing dearly, but that doesn't mean by listening to buddist teachings i am showing my luv for her..and thru these teachings i WILL become a better person... dun think it werks like that..... i feel that, wat i must do now is first seek to understand this love.. wat is it abt..i reflected on me and bing's love... i realise ours is a very sweet kind of love... and very family family kind of love... haiya dunno how to explain...haha a cozy comfortable feeling... the feeling of cuddle comfortably wif each other inside the blanket... hugging tightly, the feeling having each other;s warmth for the night....

i am going to keep this love wif me... inside me... for a very very long time... hopefully i cld use this love to win her back again... i will try my best... i had luch alone todae, suddenly a thought flashes across my head, i rememebr the conversation i had wif bing on the other night, saying if i had the magic brush i will draw a delorean to go back to the future prevent all these from happening.. this thought that comes to my mind, if i had a delorean and i go back to 5 yrs ago, i looking for the me going to starbucks where i wld eventually ask bing to be my gf... i will tell me wat will happen to us... that me n bing lasted onli 5 yrs, but its a very very happy 5 yrs... then after that u will feel extremely miserable for losing her, it will be the biggest impact in ur life u ever imagined, wld u still ask bing to be ur gf?

i can still rememeber the feeling i was having, while on my way to starbucks, heart bouncing up n down... wat if she dun wan how? then all the efforts will be wasted.. then i will be very sad... excited yet afraid~ my sketchbook is my onli hope! haha... i remember everydae before that i have to see her on icq , or see her email if not i will feel like my dae is juz not complete..., sometimes i will wait aimless in front of the pc juz to wait for her to go online... hogging the pc, then got scolding from sis... i am juz a stoopid poly boy fallin in love... everydae i reach home, the first thing will be on my pc~ love the nights when we chat all the way into the night, i remember that period of time, the nights are always raining, then 'our' song is like 'ai hen jian dan'... she luvs david tao...~~ even after we got together, calling her at 10 pm+ has become part of my life~ she too has been part of my life... a family member to me...

"Yes".... is my answer... even b4 i step inside starbucks, i know have given my heart to her long time ago... she is the onli girl i wan to be wif.... BUT if i know i will be and going to cause alot of hurt to her... then probably i wun pass her the sketch book....or meet her..... becoz at that point of time the very last thing i wanna do is to hurt her.. she is juz so precious to me i wldn't wan her to feel hurt in any other way...my love for her is a very very pure kind of luv...the love of juz wanting to see her everydae.. listen to her.. hug her when she is sad... based on my character then, i wld probably scold and push my future self for ruining everything, and hate myself for the things i have done... i wld probably ran off without saying a word... feeling hurt and full of hatred for myself....

Wat wld u, sitting at starbucks think? i did not turn up..~ wld u be angry?.... u will be puzzled ,prb angry... but at least u wun feel hurt like todae.... u wun feel regret... for saying yes, u will be my gf... everything that happened in the past 5 years wld not have happened... i wld go thru army my own... u will not wait for me to come home everyweekend... i wld not call u everynite.. all the tears and joy we had together... all the happy and sad times we been thru... everything prb wld not have happened....

at this pt i notice how love shapes itself diffrently over time... it grows and evolve... from innocent innocent love to family family love.. they are both so sweet... i think right this very moment i am relishing the innocent kind of love... dunno why it all keep coming back to me... this love is a simple kind of love,... a love wif one thing in mind, juz to wish u happy... and it juz keeps my beating faster whenever i think of u...

when i look for u again i will come to wif a simple kind of luv and a family kind of love.. its unique and one of its kind, i can't give this to another girl and u can't find it in another guy, becoz this love belongs to juz u and me... and if u really were to accept me a again~ i swore i will never never ever going to be the old me again~~ all becoz i dun wan to u ever feel hurt again....

Its still my dream that i am werking towards to... i noe i can do it~

and serious, if i am able to go back to the past, i wun let my old me run away like that(that is after i told him wat happened in the future), i will let him beat me up if he wans, but i wan him to noe that this 5 yrs is going to be the happiest happiest 5 yrs of my life, treasure it wholeheartly... bing is waiting for u! ~ if he run too fast i cannot catch up, i will go starbucks myself pose my old self, at least i can see u again~~ hoho! ~~ too much Back to the future liao!!

ok! xia ban le!

xian

2005-06-20T16:43:00.000+08:00

Do it your way ba...

2005-06-16T17:01:00.000+08:00

30 more mins to knocking off time.. its that time of the day again whr she wld be there~ making farnie faces at me inside my head....

the conversation repeats itself over n over again for the past two days... like her i felt miserable too...extremely miserable...somehow i juz felt all these emotional struggles btw us is getting more and more complicated and isn't helping any one of us...guess someone has to give in...

I always believe love, not time , can heal all wounds... in fact i still believe, but apparantly she chose time instead... she looks at me now as a terror, intruding her life, makes her miserable... i noe i have not been a very good bf, i have many flaws but pls tell me have i ever betrayed or lied or at any one pt not put my heart and love for her wholeheartedly? have i done anything behind her back that wld hurt her if she finds out... without any doubt, i noe my answer is no.... becoz all these while i love her, she is the onli person whom makes my life complete.. adds meaning in my life in watever i do... i can never never or wld do anything delibrately to hurt her... despite so i have hurt her... often unknowingly,(its not an excuse , its a reason, and this reason coz me the biggest pain of my life) then i realised through my work now, my greatest flaw is the inability to communicate properly btw ur partner.. lacking proper communication skills... i say things that hurt her even though i dun wish to, i retaliate and voice my emotions , i argue wif her when our perspectives clashes... i nvr wan us to end this way.... sob... i finally noe my problem.., but she didn't wan to give me the chance to change for her.... she didn't believe in me anymore..

the memories i keep holding on to, she said its all in the past... i dunno how she can let go juz like that, i know her, like me, she is a loyal lover..and like me she is a sentimental one too.... these memories are happy , precious memories.... memories that made up 1/5 of my life (and her life) , memories that very much shape who the person we are todae, memories that helps us grow from two seperate strangers to two very close lovers, we share the same laughter, same tears, same ups and downs... memories that is going to stay wif me until my very last breath on this earth... i can't let go... i juz can't... bing pls understand, i am sorry if i lost control my emotions that day...i really try very very hard to do it ur way... to let go and move on... but i juz ... the love is juz too deep for me to let go...

jiaxin ask me "have i regretted giving it all in this relationship? " jiaxin believes that by giving out all mean hurting more if the relationship didn't last... she is right... but i told her i nvr once regretted to have bing as my gf and nvr once i regret for giving it my all... nvr once

i have flaws ,in fact many, i can't be a perfect bf but i can give u wat many guys can't... a true and sincere heart full of love...for u.....

guess end of the day i will be the person to give in...i dun wan you to feel miserable.....but i still believe in our love, i have faith in our love, to be able to heal all wounds corss any obstacles... we been thru so much together...
guess now i will try to do it ur way then... i will leave u alone the time being... i noe i will go berserk but i will do my best to cope wif it... mean while i will continue my xiu xing.....

bing,
jia you on ur europe trip~~ :)
come back safe

i will be here ,
waiting for u to come home...

xian

She is feeling miserable

2005-06-15T11:16:00.000+08:00

The conversation btw us ended late into the night, then again i guess it didn' really ended, things she said flashes repeatly like energised torch light across my head from the moment i wake up all the way until now...

The heavy rain todae soak my body like she soak my heart wif tears.... and at times her anger... She said," Pls stop , i am feeling miserable"... i stopped watever i am saying she went back to slp.... I think i am geting a very clear picture now wat is going on... She still loves me clearly, she wldn't be miserable if she didn't.. but wat she wans now is to give up... on us. She wans to moves on, she didn't wan a dilly dally kind of relationship, couples, couples, frens,..frens... not in btw...she wan things her way and wat she wans.. am i right bing?

i listened... even though she say i dun, i do listen...to wat she says.. Everydae on my way to werk, i wld take out Dan Brown's " da vinci's code" to read on the bus, todae is no diffrent.. its actually quite a captivating book, thks jiaxin for lending me this book~ for the first time i seriously believe i can finally finish reding a book haha... i remember the last time i finish a book is ronald dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... in P3? that was like a zillion yrs ago... infact come to think of it, i am nvr really a person who can finish wat i started... i nvr finish reading any book, i nvr finish my bike course, even my paintings , my pride, i felt half hearted towards the end when painting especially the hair of my characters, often sloppy and untidy, classic examples wld be the stephen chow's hair, and kungfu lady's body... one of the reason i draw caricatures instead of portraits becoz their body itself is sloppy , all i need to do is to concentrate on their facial expressions and the rest would be juz simple sketches... another thing i didn't get to finish is the relationship btw me and bing...wif an blink of an eye, it ended juz like that.. juz 2 months ago, we were still spending time wif one another happily b4 she leaves or nepal... i missed her.. i didn't wan things to turn out this way... nvr once in my 5 yrs together wif her...

Switching myself into bing's point of view, its no use toking abt the past now, wat happned in the past are happy memories we can recall and thk god we once found warmth and comfort wif one another... really happy times... like she said in her previous blog, its easy to tok abt the past... its easy to recall happy memories of each other , like she did while eating mee into the night a sudden rush of the happy times came back to her. I am sure more than often, everydae as she walk home pass the block of flats where we once hugged each other so tightly,.. under the staircase whr i kiss her the very first time, these memories will come back to her naturally despite a tiring day at work becoz it happens to me, sometimes i wld purposely walk those blocks of flats juz to 'see' us there hugging each other again.....i missed her..and simply becoz there is still lots of love between us..

She didn't wanted a dilly dally ending, so she chose the way so convince herself her decision made is the right one... she choose to ignored her feelings,our love, she wanted to do things her way and move on... this i sincerely fully understand her decisions and reason, and nvr for once i blamed her for doin that , for giving up on us..., nor did i want to convince her she is not doin the right thing, becoz there really isn't any right or wrong things... i respect her decision.. i nvr once held any hatred or wanted to tell her wat to think to do... even though she thinks the other way... she thinks i am trying to unsettle her decision ,tellin her wat to do...making her frustrated.. bing i am not.......... seriously i not trying to do that... I still remember the things she said on the night we broke up.. and the amt of time i spend on self reflection. and redemption...i noe clearly the reasons for breaking up... and in reality, i noe the problem occured not juz from me alone, but from her as well, this she noes that.. its nvr really the problem of one party..( i am not trying to put blame here) but i believe large portion ,of it my wrong doings that lead to this.. ending. i am a lousy boyfriend, things i have done hurts her deeply.. she has lost faith in me... but wat i nvr let her down is, i love her right from the bottem of my heart deeply , sincerely and nvr once i have any doubt i have abt the love btw us, even up to now i still believes there is lots of love btw one another, and wif this love ard, i really can't make myself do a non- dilly dally breakup... she noe it very well too...

The relationship of the me and bing has ended, i accept that... but the love hasn't.. , hence the onli thing now i cld do is to change.... change to a person that cld really attend to her needs as a bf... but still keeps the love btw us strong.. i am not tryin convince her to patch back , in fact i wun ask her to patch back,... not when i am still the old xian... i wan to change and then try to start a new relationship wif her. Bing as u are reading this now u might think "isn't it the same?"... it might sound like the ultimate aim is to patch things up again thats all...but wat i am really saying is i accept the relationship that ended in failure, has ended... wat i hoped for is wat can we do wif the relationship oredi ended but the Love that is still there? do we let this love we builded brick by brick over the past 5 yrs and slowly let it die and rot away ( as u said yesterdae, u will find dettachment one day, i think u are refering to this), or we could Still treasure n appreciate this love thats formed miriculously over two complete strangers that has developed out of pure fate (yuen fen) and try to build smth out of it? bing, seriously i have never met anyone like you... everything abt you that , we juz fits into each other.. i dunno how to explain, its the feelings, the chemistry, or the frequency, seems so perfect... feels so home...i noe u said this many times b4 too that u wun find another person like me, therefore i noe u feel the same.... do u think its very precious to be able to find someone like that?

during this period of time i reflect not onli on my mistakes but oso my love for u...how far can a person love another person? how deep can a guy loves another girl? am i prepared to do everything and anything for you? i think deeply thoroughly abt us ... i decided that i choose ...the latter option. i do not wish to let our love rot and die over time... simply becoz i treasure this love... i wanna build on to the love wif new bricks, new character , new me... together wif u... becoz this love belongs onli to you and me....i am determined and have work very now to lay new bricks on our love... i noe u are hesitant becoz u lack faith in me.. i understand that.. therefore i wanna build ur faith in me again.. i sent u emails whenever i felt smth new has happened to me, or a change has happened to me... becoz i wan to let u see these little bricks i have build.. once i build even juz one side of the wall , you will be able to see... and i believe you'll have faith in me again... i doing bit by bit , every dae... i noe i can do it.. all i wish is one day we can build these new bricks together and by the time we grow old and die, we will have a big, strong and beautiful house we call our home...

Bing , i am a guy who loves u deeply, madly... i have many flaws as a bf,.. but i am willing to change so that we to be together again... i have never love another person so deeply b4, and for the first time in my life i didn't believe myself that i could do so much for a girl, i am willing to go deep spiritually, mentally, qingbing , kenneth , jiaxin and many frens ask me is it worth it? there is definately another girl out there who could really accept the way i am , i need not do these kind of things... learn the teachings i never once touched or believe in my whole life, change my priorities in life, my attitude towards life,my character, dig all the negative parts of my life that has been living wif me for the past 20 over yrs, a total revamp of me as a person... its a painful ride.....but the breakup not onli realised my mistakes but oso my love for u... i am convince there is no other girl who can give me the kind of feeling u can give me, i noe it clearly.... so bing, hope u can understand the reason why am i doing all these...

again i not asking u patch up now, my onli intention is hope that u can see me grow to a better person, and let u see faith in me again... all i ask of u is not reject the things i am doin, .. give me a chance to see me grow..... dun let our love die away..

xian

Flu~ Karma & Bing

2005-06-06T16:25:00.000+08:00

4.30pm, battling fatigue n flu bugs at workplace...feeling really misearble, lack of rest both mentally n physically has taken a toll on me... ahh as i am blowing my running nose off, i started to think abt things again.. so i decided to write this blog...

Attended the buddhist talk from Venerable Tenzin Palmo at guang ming san yesterdae evening touching topics on Karma and Rebirth... interesting talk, i think hundreds of buddhsit followers attended the talk, strangly i am not taken back by the huge gigantic buddha when i first step inside the praying ground whr we are suppose to sit, the feeling isn't the same as when i first step inside soka, the first thought however is,
" How on earth did i get myself here? " .

7.30pm, Venerable Tenzin arrived at the hall, everyone stood up n clams their palms together, i did the same... She is an ang moh high nun, born in london, became a buddhist at 18, search roots of buddhist at age 20 , one of her 'trainings' is going into retreat for the 13 yrs ..

She started her talk in her british accent, reminds me very much of my lecturers from england, i am used to this accent, hence i close my eyes and listened deeply to the talk. She tok about karma, wat exactly is karma? wat are the effects of Karma? Karma is 'action' with an intention, positive Karma n negative Karma~ all the way to realising no-self where we dun generate anymore Karma~ ,She talked abt countless rebirth... reminded us to be able to born as humans, in the Human Realm is precious and must be treasured, we are fortunate we aren't animals who act merely by instincts, to eat, to sleep, be comfortable, and to reproduce~ we have wat animals do not have is to think , to think of our actions, be clear of wat we wan to achieve in a clear positive way. Control our minds over desires.... i learn alot from the talk...

Then came the Q&A section ,when everyone could ask her any questions... wat left me an impression is this middle aged man, whom declared himself to be a freethinker, and couldn't understand the purpose of praying to this , wat ever buhdda you call it .... rude and arrogant.... guess wats the first reply from Venerable Tenzin Palmo ? She points her thumb to the gigantic buddah(at least 5 storey high) behind her , and said " This Buhhda, we pray to this buddha.. " and she smiled before address his question.... She is is awesome, she won the crowd.... somehow the middle aged man, naive and ignorant reminds me of my past....

Came to werk wif a sick and injured body, mum say i shld rest at home, but still i decided to come on time, i dun wanna make things difficult for my uncle, he is my supervisor, dun wan his colleagues to put pressure on him due to my absence... ~ abit regret now ~~ coz really sick.... :P
Work in MCYS is diffrent from the past, i used to scan files to be stored inside the ICMS system, now, i help officers do data entry .... i am in charge of the family dispute cases... especially those that ended up divorce... as i read their cases, dunno why i can't help but relate it to me n bing.... as i run through hundreds of cases everydae, the same ultimate problem is often the same, lack of proper communication btw husband and wives, led to seperation, divorce, quarrels and even violance... its often the problem wif the guy, who dosen't know the proper way to communicate wif his wife... and the same problem exist inside me... as i read their cases, the husbands whom lack of proper communication skills, often do things in way to hurt their wives, juz to express their unhappiness over certain things in the marriage, eg spite her wif hurtful words, ignore her,run away from problems, some even resort to violance....wat these men dunno is, wat they are doing is causing mental torture to their wives, which from their testimonials of thier wives hurts them more than mere physical pain...the wives couldn't take it anymore , some applied protection order, some filed for divorce... most often these husband confide to counsellers that they they were remorseful and regretful, they dun mean any of these to happen, they love their wives alot.....for some cases, the wives are willing to give them a chance , some wives filed for divorce...and both live in pain for the rest of their lives...

Why? My story is a common tale among relationship, yet we onli realise our mistakes onli after we lose the most impt person in our lives... is it all too late? i really dunno, Venerable Tenzin Palmo said smth abt Karma, if smth negative or positive happens to you, its the result of the karma seeds you planted, if smth bad happens do you sit down and cry ? the ans is NO, it is how you react to this that will affect wat you are in the future, becoz your very reaction, is an action that is going to plant seeds for future karma... the breakup btw me n bing, is the result of bad karma i planted during the past 5 yrs... wat Venerable Tenzin Palmo as said convinced me i am going the right path,i know doin the right thing... i am glad...

But wat ponders me is,after the break up, things comes together and seems to form themselves into a path that leads me to whr i am todae... if ah sheng nvr called me during my period of depression,if i never knew azhar n became good friends wif him, if MCYS never called me, i never get to talk to kenneth, nvr get to deal wif family dispute cases, i'll never get to see the path to redemption... are they merely coincidence? luck? one of the followers ask Venerable Tenzin Palmo abt luck n coincidence, Venerable Tenzin Palmo said that she dosen't believes in luck,there is a reason to everything, the law of cause n effect...and the Law of Karma works for me.....

I realised my mistakes, i still love bing alot alot, i think of her everyday,every hour, every minute... but i dun think yet i have changed to a better person.... but i noe i am going the right way... watever i do now will definately has a strong effect to wat i will become in the future... hahaha so qiao, class 95 playing the song " Somewhere Out There ", fits my mood now perfectly~

alrights gotto pack my things n get out of here!! so cold!

xian

Return of the Kings

2005-05-29T19:01:00.000+08:00

The Team that came back from the dead, and as their legendary theme "You Never Walk Alone" they took me away from the dead as well...looking at their faces, i see real joy n happiness, the blood n sweat of working so hard towards something that everyone had told them in front of their face "You ain't no chance at all" in the beginning of the season...

Inspired and calm, i am beginning to pick up the pieces i left behind... life alone is not that depressed as i thought would be.. though i still miss her alot, but i have learned to curb my sadness n control my emotions better now... i am glad i clenched my teeth, and forced myself to pull through the previous papers...if not i will hate myself even further....

looking really forward to a real break, in fact i am really looking forward to work.. work at MCYS is enjoyable, i can see auntie beehui,kenneth, christopher... they are really nice pple.. and i am assigned to 9th floor again! yey! i can see pek hoon again~ never been a happier workplace than MCYS...

went drinking wif qingbing n jiaxin at clarke quay's brewworks on fri, the beer there i swore is sweet! no bitterness at all.. i love it! it did have the effect of not reminding me the sadness i have conquered painfully over the past feel weeks.... we drank and ate super at MS,... i took nite rider home...fell asleep in the bus and missed my stop! i have to walk all the way from kein kern's place there home.... in fact its a errie path home.. quiet path wif thick vegetation by the side it does look scary to me at night under the weak street lights... i am tired and its really late... but i juz kept walking.. then i miss her again... she has been my strength all along... then i thought to myself, i keep constraining myself from missing her to get on wif life, i am sure she is doin the same too.. which explains some of the things she said earlier on,... its scary ... its scary to think that one cld keep someone u loved n very much part of ur life into a corner of your heart and live on wif your life... to move on...

As time goes on, if she n i keep doin wat we are doing now, the more i think we can't be together again...we cld be used to living our own lives..sigh .. but its something i have to come to terms wif... i have no control to watever will happens in the future...she can't too....i juz have to keep going, doing wat i am suppose to do...

jiaxin n qingbing says i shld move on, find a new girl, dun look back anymore, .... i noe they are trying to cheer me up... jiaxin gave a hug of comfort,.... at that moment i realised... no other girl in this world cld give me the 'feeling' yanbing gives me... i noe who i love deeply... and it is this 'feeling' that i believe i could touch it again one day....it is oso this feeling, that i noe is going to change my life forever.... i will nver forget this feeling of 'closeness' ,wif her.....

life is full of ups n downs, u see the fans cheering for liverpool's victory, the next moment on the news u see children starving.... you see twins born joined together ... you see bombs, pple in countires trying to make ends meet....pple who are handicapped but still living n working towards their dreams there is so much more in life.... rite now i juz wanna live everydae as it comes, live the life you wan to live, help those in need wherever u can... value life , friendship n love ard me.....

haha, ok back to my studies again , EICT last paper, difficult paper in the sense bing taught me database...gonna miss those times while we are chatting happily inside the kitchen on a lazy afternoon, well gonna put that away for now,for i need to study!

well i wanna let you see this blog becoz, i wanna let you noe that 'wo3 xiang3 tong1 le4 ', i wun 'fan ni' again, or ask u silly questions anymore.... i noe clearly wat had happened n understand the reasons for ur decision, therefore i wanna say sorry to the previous disturbance i caused to you..... ok i gtg le .... n i still miss you! cya! :)

end of all i wish to say,

Thks liverpool, for making it a special moment for us all...

Rewind <

1978- Wales wins the Grand Slam in Rugby

- The Pope dies- Liverpool loses in the League Cup final to the eventual League Champions that year (Nottingham Forest)

- Liverpool wins the European Cup

2005- Wales wins the Grand Slam in Rugby

- The Pope dies

- Liverpool loses in the League Cup final to the eventual League Champions that year (Chelsea)

- Liverpool wins the European Cup

1981- Prince Charles marries- Ken and Deirdre (Coronation Street) gets married

- A new Doctor Who was appointed

- Liverpool finishes 5th in the league with 17 wins

- Crystal Palace and Norwich City get relegated

- Liverpool wins the European Cup

2005- Prince Charles marries- Ken and Deirdre re-married

- New Doctor Who starts with a new Doctor

- Liverpool finishes 5th in the league with 17 wins

- Crystal Palace and Norwich City get relegated

- Liverpool wins the European Cup

Kings Of Europe~!!

2005-05-26T15:06:00.000+08:00

Night of drama, passion, and excitment~ Liverpool won the 5th Champions league title ... liverpool waited 21 yrs, i waited 12 yrs... drama-mama.... liverpool came back from 3-0 down to AC Milan in the first half, to make a stupendous comeback to finish the game 3-3.... the game stretches itself to penalties, and the rest is history~~....

They really did the impossible...to come back from 3-0 down against arguebly the best team in europe... the first thought that came to my mind is to tell bing abt this, she n i have been watching liverpool games for quite some time, i know she will be happy to hear this too.. hee she can now show her friends the Liverpool key chain i bought for her... yey!

I thought abt bing n me alot yesterdae n todae,.. i am learning to accept the situation now.. even though i still hurts me alot.. , but i feel that if bing says after i have really changed i can look for her, i can tell she still loves me alot n really wish i can change to a better person... all is not lost, i still have the chance to do smth worthwhile.. watever i do now would have a strong connection to wat will happen in the future... i must not fail again this time... i really made a mess out of everything n caused pain to bing n myself, i regret the situation, i must n will change...

Liverpool's victory does lift my spirit abit.. though i really wanna share this happiness wif her :)
If liverpool can did the impossible i am sure i can do it too~ lame metaphor, haha i noe i can do it!

right now i have got to concentrate on my last paper n enjoy the pride of mersyside~ victory!

"No small toffees for feast tonight
Kopites party with Turkish delight
Jose, Sir Alex... London press
All choking on sweet success
Money, not love, is your drive
But tell us... Can you count to five? "

Let me go...

2005-05-25T22:36:00.000+08:00

" Let me go" ... 3 simple words... containing frustration, anger and perhaps hate... 3 simple words stabs me in the heart so deeply... imagine ur dearest person saying that to u...i dun blame her.. its my fault... i dunno why i juz can't control my emotions in front of her... i juz so helpless... i decided to leave her alone... i have to, if i love her, and dun wan her to feel upset i have to... i have to swallow all these sadness myself...

although i promised myself this blog shall not be a place of depression, but guess i have to break that promise... i really have no one to turn to except here... i am sorry...

jiaxin say i have to leave bing alone if i still want to win her back, take this opportunity to do wat i have to do... bing said the same, when i have changed , look for her again... there are yet so many things in my mind i wish to know... i wish bing could handle this in a nicer way.... i wanna noe her true feelings... her cold response to me probably becoz she dun wan me to have false hopes on patching wif her now...but wat she dunno is this would only hurts me further... make me more confused...more depressed...actually wat i really need is to have a heart to heart tok wif her,do noe whether she still loves me, deep inside her does she wans me to change and get back to her...these may not be the questions i wanna ask when i finally meet her, but these are the very questions i wanna know .... maybe that will be when i have calm down ,get in terms wif the situation n able to think properly, we both need to be in a clear state of mind to be able to do that... so i promised myself now, no matter how depressed i am i must not call her... i have to give her the time alone she craves n also the time for myself to get over this depression first....onli then we will be able to tok about the situation in a clear state of mind...

3rd paper has ended todae... i almost gave up studying for it last nite... i almost let those ard me down... i am sorry... i really broke down last nite... miss her terribly... i need faith desperately.... i turn to goddess herself... i kneed n prayed... sincerely.. n prayed that i dun wish to let my family n friends down... pls help me.... i keep repeating this for a while, sudden a voice..or say a vision told me to calm down... it says '"juz do wat u have to do" ... it keeps repeating itself inside my head... i quickly took a bath...n very soon i am back to my studies again.. it worked... n i did ok for my paper todae... i am really glad i did it... grateful to ah sheng n jiaxin to sms me n wish me lots of luck for exams... thks guys, i really appreciate it alot...

ok i am calm state of mind now writing this blog, i wanna say is , bing, i am really sorry, i dun mean to fan ni,... i will try to control my emotions from now onwards....

i am looking forward to work next wed... i can see auntie beehui again, she always gave me food during work... there is another person i wan to see is kenneth... somehow i noe he can give me faith.. he is a devoted buddhist, he will enlighten me,.. i am really determined to change and get bing back, she is the onli girl in the world who can hurt me like that... i love her more than anyone can imagine, but i need help , i noe i can't do this alone... i noe kenneth can help me...

tonite is the champions league final btw liverpool n AC milan... normal situation i will be very excited coz i waited like since sec 1 for this day, and normally will pour my heart out to bing after the match, be it win or lose... guess not this time... i will pour my feelings here from now on.. pathetic i have to rely on a virtual 'friend' .... so patethic.. guess i am not as strong as i think i am....

ok i shall end here... gd nite to myself ,gd nite bing... love u dar :)

break...

2005-05-24T12:23:00.000+08:00

12.25pm , taking a small break from my studies... azhar told me last night i can't afford to fail this coz its my core module, if i fail this i will have to repeat for another yr as i can't proceed...it did knock some sense in me... i woke up this morning wif tears in my eyes again... i would think abt her for 5 mins, force myself up to do wat i have to do...
knock myself again against the wall she built last night.... i didn't mean to irritate her, guess she begins to feel disturbed by me now... i am sorry...i really dun mean to.. i am juz overwhelmed by sadness as i read her stuffs she wrote to me last night...
there still many questions in my mind i have yet to sort out, perhaps i know the answer to them but cldn't figure out ways to accept it.... sis n mum came back yesterdae... told her wat happened btw me n bing for the past few days... sis although sick wif fever said some sensible stuff for me to think abt... when i ask her my chances of patching wif bing again... she says i got 3 routes, either rot n die, or i give up on this relationship n move on, or evaluate the situation after the exams, and ask myself wat do i really wan wif my life and pursue it wholeheartedly... she did say that bing is abit unfair to me, as sis says she dunno bing really treats me as a friend... coz i told sis bing wans us to be frens for now... sis ask me to think, whether friends as in we still contact each other, or simply i am the onli party contacting her...
in a way if we are still close friends, she is able n will wish to 'see' my progress towards change... in a way now, bing dun seem to care whether i live or not.... is this the bing i noe n love so dearly for the past 5 yrs?
somehow it did strike me... questions started shooting inside my mind, bing says she still loves me, by why is she treating me so coldly.. does everything she said b4 that she loves me lies? she can doubt my ability as a good bf, but she can't doubt my love for her... i need answers.. my mind is exploding.... deep down i noe she is not lying...

jiaxin called when my mind is on the verge of destruction... i need to tok to someone desperately... i gio her for supper at 848, we chated for 2 hrs...
she listened n drink wif me... she is a good listener.. i am grateful for her to accompany me despite so tired after whole day's or work... she said i am the type of person ai4 zai4 xing1 li3 kou3 nan2 kai1.... and girls on the other hand want guys to express n give them assurance, give them love... i can say how much i love her now, but its too late... which explains 'why now?', i always thought my actions cld prove my love for her... i always tell myself no matter wat happens i will never betray her or abandon her..my friends go geylang, i wld wait for them outside, telling myself i will nvr betray bing, i always tell qingbing, bing is the best thing that have ever happened to me... the best yrs of my life is my time wif her..she give me the kind of feeling , a feeling of 'coming home' , a feeling of warmth...i told bing b4 that i will stopped going out wif my kakis once we got married, i am not saying it juz to make her happy, i really mean it, i wanna devote my entire life to her... she believes we cld have a fairy tale ending, i too believe , i STILL believe...but why didn't i let her noe all these? i always believe that once i devote my self to a girl, i will love her n no one else... guess love alone is not enough, i have to care, cultivate n nurture this love, n this is my biggest weakness, n it cost me the biggest pain in my life......

jiaxin says i shld give bing some time off... bing is probably running away, n trying to make herself busy so that she cld clear her mind... the more i try to tok to her, the more she will repel... i agree.. meanwhile i will take the time to clear my mind, i think wat do i really wan in my life... my exams will end next week, after that i will think of possible options... jiaxin says i got to start planning for the future n not hang on to this situation, i can still hang on to the love,but i have to get my life moving..... perhaps this is wat bing by moving on....

jiaxin has been a good friend... i bear my heart to her last night... memories of me n bing flashes thru my head like a story book... i remember 4 yrs ago... bing was lying on the bed beside me inside my room... its a hot afternoon,.. we chatted happily... then bing turn ard wif her back facing me... i am puzzled... she didn't move... after awhile i ask her wats wrong? i got up n saw her side of the pillow is wet.... she cried, i ask her why, she said... she is afraid...i ask wat is she afraid of? she is afraid that one day we will not be together....

somehow, it touches my heart so deep so deep, i told myself i will love this girl forever... she is the one..... i will never forget wat she says... i noe this is the real bing i noe all along... the bing i love so much so much....my tears started to flow again...

i let her down this time... if i cld turn back the clock i will not hurt bing like that... but i can't turn back the clock, hence i have to believe... believe in cause n effect... my actions in the past caused this unhappiness todae, if i wish this beautiful moments wif her to come back again i have to start working on it now...wholeheartedly.... all the reasons becoz i still love her alot... n i believe she does too....

When u love someone....

2005-05-18T03:10:00.000+08:00

When u love someone ... wat are the things you wld do? miss her like crazy? wish to hug her for as long as it can? do the things she does, see the things she sees, touch the things she touches?....simply do everything she does? do anything n everything juz to be close to her .... all the crazy things.... ya?
Well, guess i guess u guys wun understand wat i am toking abt until u really really lov a person so much, so much so u dun really know or clear wat u are doing anymore...

My 2nd paper ended today, the biggest test is finally over(still halfway through though) after picking myself up from the trashbin last thurs... still very grateful to Ah sheng, hope i fufilled his expectation of me to forge a true character within me, as he says all the time its onli when times of difficulty the real character of the person surfaces itself.... some how it did got inside my head, i managed to pick myself up again... hope i didn't disappoint him n those love ones ard me...

i dunno why this question flashes across me straight after i handed in my paper this afternoon... " the biggest hurdle u've crossed, now wat? " i regard the past week as the biggest test ever, its a test where i started from near zero, depressed , low morale, dead spirit, death to be precise ... to picking myself up wif 3 days to go to the 2 exam papers side by side to each other(mon n tue)... i thought of giving all up, i tell myself that wats life without her anymore? everything including exams seems so meaningless (though i still do feel this way)... many friends n family members told me to get over it and do the most impt thing in front of me first, do smth for me ,myself for once.... the 3 days process of rising from the dead though short , it isn't an easy task that peaple would think... the ordeal i experienced last week seems to last forever... thinking back it still trembles inside me abit... i dunno how i did it, but i am really glad i did it... i can tell mum is really worried for me,... b4 i went for exams todae, she told me that her heart is like a tea bag, hanging between the tea and the hand... i noe how she feels... if i have got to do it, i have to do it for her.... i love her...
called her to tell her my exams is ok, i dun wan her to worry, as i promised her on sundae, i will pass this exams... i told her to trust me...... i will deliver the goods
I do really feel i am a better person now than i am 2 weeks ago, though i am not trying to imply anything to bing, i do really feel i have growth wiser.... i begin to be more sensitive to those pple around me, guess my depression affects them alot too.... though my sis doesn't show it in her face, i noe she is worried for me... i am really grateful to her for toking to me so much for the past whole week....
so i have cross this hurdle now wat? does everyting ends here? i tought abt little while on the train, i guess the answer is not... there can never be an end to one's goals in life... its onli the process of working towards these goals that a person improve himself, this, is the biggest lesson i learn over the week... i got to set goals for myself..suddenly ah sheng sms me abt the climbing trip , i 'on' him immediately... i am going climbing! not sure the place, but think its 4000ft ... shld be no prob ba... dunno why i 'on' him oso,... maybe becoz bing loves climbing ba,... i juz wanna do the things she do... suddenly i am not sure why i alight the train and made my way to raffles caltex house... i am all alone among thousands of commuters, standing under the slight drizzle , all i thought of is 'how did i make my way here?'... for the first time in my life i dunno what am i doin.... i am here becoz i know bing is here... i am not sure whr she is but i can feel n i know she is here... i really miss her alot... love her so much i really dunno wat i am doin anymore... sound ridiculous? , if u noe me well, this sounds even more ridiculous to me lor.... i sat there for a while.... juz thinking of her... i am crazy, so i called qingbing to come down to accompany me... come to think of it, though qingbing has never console me in any way , but i can say he is really thr for me everything i need some to tok to... he is a true friend..
now i am back home, as i am online writing this blog, i am playing the song "When u love someone" by bryan adams... i finally know now, wat this song really means....

"When you love someone - you’ll do anything
You’ll do all the crazy things that you can’t explain
You’ll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone
You’ll deny the truth - believe a lie
There’ll be times that you’ll believe you can really fly
But your lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone
When you love someone - you’ll feel it deep inside
And nothin else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
When you love someone...
When you love someone - you’ll sacrificeYou’d give it everything you got and you won’t think twice
You’d risk it all - no matter what may come
When you love someone
You’ll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone"

------- Bryan Adams

Rain... fallin in my heart :)

2005-05-15T02:31:00.000+08:00

Cozy n comfy rain tonite... soothing n refreshing... i am sitting here alone in the living room typing listening to the radio, miss bing again... reminds so much of the days while we are still icq-ing each other , i remember i used to wait for her to online everydae... then this time of the nite , the song by david tao " ai hen jian dan" became 'our ' song :) sweet lovely days... she really left me lots n lots of happy memories, ......

i got a morale boosting shot todae.... i online at 4pm + saw her blog , she wrote she still loves me alot...sob, i was so touch coz all the while i am the one tellin myself 'she still loves me, she still loves me..' , it gave me all the morale booster i need to study non stop until now 2 am + ..... and i managed to complete my marketing! !scarly how little things she do wld have such an impact on me...
i really love her alot....

and she sms me good luck for my exams! so happy... it really means alot to me

MCYS called me yesterdae, so happy, i am starting werk straight after exams.... i need the money, got to do lots of things wif it... ultimately inside my heart i wish i could go on a long holidae far away from here wif bing,... i wanna see the things she sees , i wanna taste the things she tastes, hear the things she hears , touch the things she touches.... i wan to do everything wif her.... i wanna look at the mountains wif her... but then i noe theres still lots to be done b4 i can achieve this dream, i wun give up, and i will work very hard for it, all becoz i am keeping the faith....

ah sheng sent me a very meaningful sms todae,....
'Do watever it takes to win. Use this trying period to forge ur character. It's not whether u can do it or not, but wat matter most is whether u want to do it or not?'

I wun let him and my loved ones down,
i promise.....

short break...

2005-05-12T18:35:00.000+08:00

Having dinner in front of the comp screen now, .... sigh, she changed her status to 'single' in friendster...

days seems to pass so slowly in May... todae is like the 12th? hours n minutes n seconds seems to pass so slowy...exams are taking over my life...yet so many things i have to do... made an impt decision todae, i decided to meet 'her' next week .... though qingbing n sis opposed it.. but i feel i need to make the first move... at least ah sheng say is really alright to do so... :) ok i shall follow my heart....

she is thr online now, so near yet so far... i really love her alot...
shall end here now...

xian

Ah Sheng!

2005-05-12T02:24:00.000+08:00

Bing wrote:
good and happy to see u slowly thinking things through. sorry if i have caused u great hurt as well as the ones around you...i'm not as heartless as u make it out to be ok...i do care about ur existence of cos! but just as a friend that's all. love not only for your own needs, but for everything and everyone around you as well...most importantly, as i said many years ago, you must love yourself before you can spread your love to other people. loving yourself is also accepting yourself and nurturing yourself, which i see you doing slowly, so i am happy for you.as for me, i still have a long way to go, too. change is constant, and let's keep working hard on the fields of our Self!i wish you contented always.

bing, i wanna let u noe tat i noe all along u are not a heartless person lor... but ur cold words really really hurts me lot, especially the " as a friend" , after 5 yrs together i am sure i more than juz a friend to u rite?.....do u noe as i read it again was like a force pushin the thorn oredi in my heart even deeper? wonder if u noe how that really feels.....it really hurts like hell. :(
but i am glad after reading ur comments, becoz after 5 days of turmoil n destruction within me, i finally found something in common btw us, common aim of improving ourself , improving the person within us... although my initial intention is to do it for u, but as i think deeper, and recalling wat those pple ard me have told me the past few days, u are right, i need to change lor not juz for u but for me and all the pple ard me as well... i need to learn to reflect to be able to become a better person...
i went to soka's youth cultural festival rehearsal todae, ah sheng wans me to go walk walk see see feel the spirit of life... i feel i needed that, so i went, noe wat ? at the end of the session the chief IC said the exact same things u said, at first they told us the purpose of this festival is for youth who have problems in life and wishes to change and needed direction to do so... we actually sat down closed our eyes in silence , then she will ask questions, things like "wat is it that u wanna change in ur life?", "wat do u wanna achieve", "do u think u can achieve it?"
we will have to answer these question inside our heart ( O_O i actually did this kind of thing) , after the 5 min session she said " in order to change the things around us making it a better place, we must first seek to change and improve ourselves, it is onli then we can influence the pple ard us...spreading ur goodness to other pple".. hmm i feel i learn smth out of it... other than this , the rest of the 2 hrs was like dancing all the way, i sit one corner, then they all drag me to dance... ahhh, but in the end its fun.

Well, todae studies went really well todae, i managed to cover like more than wat i covered for the past 5 days... which is good, but once a while i will miss bing... i quickly took 3 deep breath, chant nam myoho renge kyo 3 times , cleared my mind i continued again... do i appear like a devoted buddhist to u ?? oh god, but realli i need to really pull myself up thru this period of difficult times... its not the time to think abt other things other than my studies now... guess ah sheng called me at the right time last night when i was like drowning myself in sorrow, really grateful to him, some how i feel something , i feel things are flowing n changing very fast ard me, the tarot cards said " trust ur intuition n go wif the flow" , juz when i was in the point of severe self destruction he called... i almost wanted to stay at home todae n not go to soka at 7pm , but i feel i must return the 'gift' ah sheng gave to me, so i went, i reach the bus stop 811 came immediately, i reached interchange, again 171 came immediately... some how i juz got this feeling 'something' out thr , bigger than all of us cld imagine, smth like the universe or the law of life, Nam myoho renge kyo, is giving its directions to those in need... crappy but i do feel this way...

bing, i wanna let u noe that pls have faith in me, i am really determined this time round, pls dun crush my onli hope...of being wif u again, although its very hard for u to trust me now, but i have faith,n i am sure n believe that if i keep this going n put my heart to it, one day, one fine day u will be able to feel the goodness n love within me, its no longer abt wat i wld do to make u happy , cheer u up or anything like that.. , i am really toking abt being a better person from within, and spreading the love to those ard me, especially my love ones.....especially u.This will oso be my answer to you when u told me" even if i changed , u wun be able to see or know it" , by then if i am really able to achieve wat i am working to achieve, i am sure u will feel it...i have faith..

pls have faith in us ... i wldn't wan to waste n throw away 5 yrs of precious love build slowly together by u n me, i wish i cld build on that... becoz i noe i can nvr find another person like u, the chemistry n the frequency between us is smth i have never ever experience b4 n i believe u know it too, ... and i believe its too precious to let go like that... but i noe clearly now that, i can't expect this love to grow further if i am still the old me, i will learn dar, i will learn to be a better person, i dunno how long i need, but until i achieve that i wun ask u to accept me again, i have to earn this chance myself..... but pls wait for me,pls... its my onli favour from u.... dun let our love die juz like that..

ok i shall end here.... this blog will no longer be a place of depression from now onwards, i have to pick my self up and focus for the exams , the future n my life else well.... thks Ah Sheng, thks for being thr for me... u are really a great pal!

focus focus focus............. ( ah sheng teach one :P)

Enlightenment

2005-05-11T04:55:00.000+08:00

Yoz! 5 am now, juz came home, but i got to write this down...becoz from now onwards i believe, its going to be the greatest turning point of my life. Met an old friend of 16? 17 yrs? not very sure the exact time, haha but some how wat i heard from him todae really left me a strong impression...

Juz wats our root of life?take a metaphor of a tree, imagine u r a tree, u have roots that holds u strongly to the ground, ur branches are ur all other things in life, be it family, love, friendship, career etc... ur roots becomes the superstructure or the base of this tree, so wats ur root? wats is it that once ur roots fails ur whole tree will crumble? think abt it...

i am a person who always keep faith to myself i dun believe in religion, i believe i have enough faith inside me to keep my life going... hence the root in my life is my own faith ...however theres a problem, if i am unhappy the whole tree will be unhappy stretching this unhappiness towards other branches like relationship, family , friends etc... if i am happy naturally the rest of the branches will be happy... the problem is i can nvr be always happy or sad, inconsistencies in my emotions has damaged the rest of the branches... my relationship wif bing crumble as a result... she can't handle my mood swings...

so depressed i now put my broken love for her as my roots...major adjustments to my roots cause me to lost myself , i lost my studies, i lose my mind...this broken love is nvr a stable root, it can't sustain the weight of the tree, my life crumbled even further...hence i need to put my faith something that is strong a stable to be my root, something to withstand the test of time, emotions , happy or sad, so that my other branches can be strong and the tree will not sway easily... i need a religion for my faith. and wat u are reading is buddist teachings... onli the teachings of a religion can stand the test of time....

wat religion i dunno yet, but as my old fen said thr is always a cause n effect... the breakup todae is caused by many factors cld be me or her, but wat is the most impt is to learn from mistakes n move on...n the teachings of the religion u have faith in will guide u out of depression towards the process of enlightenment... i can't find the answer to wat my roots will be, but i will find out after exams,so for now my studies will be my roots, 2 things to do after exams, learn java, find my faith .... which i believe will lead me to her again i juz got to keep believing~ :) tomolo might to to soka's cultural dance rehearsel, hope to learn more from it!

hmmm suddenly remembers bing always say " everything happens for a reason"....

"You are a FJ !!"

2005-05-10T18:50:00.000+08:00

Mum has been really nice to me recently, she n sis noes abt the breakup... sis for like since dunno when tok to me nicely~ they noe i am down.... but they try to stay cheerful , mum noes me well she leaves me alone to think rather than nag at me, she even bought me butter cookies! ... sis help me cope wif depression by giving her share of experiences... though not very constructive i still appreciate it, she let me play the tarot cards... it says " trust my intuition" when i ask abt my current situation... dunno how true, but seems mission impossible...
Dad went jogging yesterdae, brought home a packet of coughing pills for me, so happy, i always love dad, juz that we have a communication problem but i will try my best to level things up btw us... hope my flu gets away soon...qingbing say its sickness due to the heart... that i dunno... but pretty obvious, been sick since last fri,.... like if she cares..

Did a stoopid thing last night , i sent her an email say how i feel... she replied the usual hurtful words, it may looks like a harmless mail but hurts me like ...i dunno wat words to describe oredi... especially now when i wld have a heavy headache putting pieces of my heart together...
so i msn her, she says no matter wat i do , or no matter how hard i try we can't be together anymore... feel like commiting suicide, if Sis is not ard i dunno if i wld do that but there really is a urge to do so...
then later she says she can't give me an answer now and wld let fate decide... fate...

Fate is a interesting thing, mystical n vague, yet we all are dependent on it... so very dependent on it especially when we do not have answers to our everydae lives, even in this rationalised, fast paced, connected, efficient world todae , where science rulez our lives, we are here seeking things like enlightenment, fate, god, prayers etc... is it a form of escape ? When she says 'fate', meaning its no longer a question of "wat are the chances of me winning her back?" or the question of " the probability she would rekindle the relationship again?" or the question of " wat shld i do to win her back?" , its not abt calculating chances, or planning the steps to do... its abt letting things take its own course... :) *smile*

feel calm todae, feel calm becoz while i am sitting in this huge dining table, my family is sitting down watching TV in front of me, feel calm to know they are still thr wif me... i love them alot.... despite the usual bickering here n thr , we love one another... i got 4 love ones in my life, My Dad, My Mum, My Sis, and Bing... though bing dosen't love me anymore, she is still n will always be my dearest ....i believe it is fate that brought us together 5 yrs ago, and it will be fate that will bring us together again... i dun have to do anything now as in wat to do to win her back or stuff like that... i juz have to use my heart... follow wat my heart ask me to do, n eventually it will lead me to her... she say this morning that even i became a better person she wldn't be able to see it,... she will ... she will see it for sure, thats wat i told her...

like i told her 5 yrs ago " u are a FJ!" ... (i juz followed my heart)... :)

she is at it again~

2005-05-09T00:17:00.000+08:00

Read her blog todae.... every word she wrote shapes itself like a samurai sword , slashing my heart into pieces.... but i least i know she is happy.. she is happier now...
Bing isn't a heartless person...i noe she is not, i know her... i believes she still got feelings for me...i can tell she still loves me...but she is running away, she is running away from me...so if i were to chase after her now, there is no way i can catch up wif her, no matter wat...
i love her... i got to let her run... i got to let her go... let her run to a happier place....
All i can do is to wait for her to come home..
bing is changing n learning now, she is learning to be a better person, ... in order us to be part of each other's life again, i noe have to change too...
however wat wld nvr change is my love, our love, it will be this love that is going to bring us together again... this love build brick by brick slowly strongly over the past 5 yrs, i have got to have faith in it....its my onli chance, my onli hope.....
i pray to god, pls let bing have faith in me....dun lose our love , i have got to keep believing n working hard....

Strong

2005-05-08T03:38:00.000+08:00

juz reach home, 3am ++ went out wif qingbing they all to watch soccer.... i know qingbing is trying to keep me company....onli qingbing knows wat happened, though loyal friend, he do not now how to make me feel better...while they are screaming n shouting, i took a walk in the rain...in town.. the night was exceptionally cold tonite...or was it juz me? body shaking...perhaps its the fever, or smth deeper? i dunno but i noe i miss her.....
After some hesitation i sent her a sms...i told her i missed her, ask if she feel the same...then came one of the most hurtful reply...she says "not really, used to it" my heart simply broke into millions of pieces...totally drowned by sadness i sat down.... after 5 yrs of being part each other's life ,she treats me like a stranger now... dun think is she still cares whether i live or die...y is she doin this to me? y does it have to happen like this? do i deserve this? they say love will heal all wounds, then y am i hurting like hell? i love her so much...
despite all that i dun blame her...the bing i noe is not like this...i must have hurt her deeply...its payback time

wat exactly does she wans from me? whr does she wans all these to lead to? shld i juz moved on? get a new life , forget her, leave her alone....treat like i never know her the first place... is that wat she wans me to do? or she still has THAT feelings for me, inside her she wans me to change, and there is a possibly that we will be together again ..... i pray everydae to god that its the 2nd choice... she noes the 1st option is impossible for me..she is already part of my life..i can't leave her alone...i love her deeply...i need answers..i need directions....my life is crumbling down everydae..my exams are gone case..onli she can do such a thing...to me

i have no choice so i called 'her'...i know she will have answers for me...like the oracle ..she said smth that really wake me up..." u really cannot make it" , she says if i cldn't manage my life , and decided to ruin it further by not studying,failing my exams u are really " cannot make it"... it woke me up....i dry away my tears.... i think deeply,...if i allow myself t crumble like that, how can i take care of her in the future when she really does comes back to me? is this the amt of stress n sadness enough to bring me down? in a sense, yes, but its the question of can i learn to manage it? bing probably needs a break now, for her to initiated break up she must have hurt deeply... she need a break i have to give her the break she wans...so i sms her to say i am sorry and ask her to ignore my previous msg....she will not wan me to fail my exams too... i have to believe...keep believing that one day she will return to me an i have to work towards it... i noe i can do it...

so 2 things i noe now... i noe bing loves her mum, i got to werk on that, i must learn to be close wif her mum n her family, so that she wun feel stress...2nd she needs to be 'take care' of ..she is the youngest in the family , naturally she needs to be 'loved' ,'taken care' of..... someone to guide her....to be able to be that person i have to be strong...stronger than her... to be able to provide for her... not juz financially but emotionally as well...2 things i noe for now to be a better person,...i will continue to werk towards that all becoz i believe.....i will win her back...

be strong..... (got to get rid of my fever n running nose first)

The way home....

2005-05-07T13:54:00.000+08:00

2pm, last week todae, bing was sitting beside me watching the takeshi bowling jap drama... todae i am watching the show all alone, in this empty house... sis left the house 1/2 an hr ago, was hoping she cld stay at home keep me company....but its ok, think i am not as lost as wat i am 2 days ago....
totally lost myself for the past couple of days... thinking back , pretty embarassing... lost my pride, lost my dignity, lost the real me.... or on another perspective is that the real me? feeling of losing a dearest person who has been there in the most happiest 5 yrs of my life, its like losing a leg, losing a hand , no, much more deeper than that more like losing my heart, my soul...how shld i react? how wld u react? maybe thats the real me..... like a kid losing himself in the supermarket, cldn't find his mum...huge rows of shelves, hordes of shoppers surrounding him , the immediate reaction of the kid wld probably wander desperately ard crying shouting for mum to come back....suddenly i remember a time when i was 5 or 6? i remember i was holding my mum's hand on our visit to the market... smth colourful,think its a toy that caught my eye i let my hands go , 5 mins later i lost sight of my mum... i was crying desperately for her , i look ard but cldn't find her, i panicked, i cldn't think...i tot i am going to lose her forever...after running all over the place looking for her, my tears dried ...then i started to think... think of the route back home, how did i come to this market? wat route did i took juz now? i took for granted (like i always do) that my mum will always be holding my hand wherever she go... i took for granted that i have the resposibility too to hold her hand, dun let her lose me... i took for granted her love for me... i started to think ...i reflect on myself , i learn, i recognise the route from whr we came from...i walk towards it, i saw her,she was juz there under the block ...mum was thr all along looking at me... she wants me to learn ...the hard way..
After 20 yrs, i am still the kid, i did not learn from that lesson....i am lost again, as bing has said , its in my character, i am juz like a little boy, i wldn't be able to change it...
Yesterdae night i met someone, she is like a guide, she did not tell me wat to do but i started to reflect again..i started to learn again.... i begin to evaluate... i am not lost anymore, i made my choice on how am i going to lead my life, i finally found what i believe, to be the way home...

I am not a machine.....

2005-05-06T12:13:00.000+08:00

i wake up this morning, wif tears in my eyes... tears still flowing down as i am typing this down, i juz lost the love of my life, i am a idiot i am a big bloody idiot...
facing the walls myself in my room i noe there is no one i can turn to now, no one...no one can comprehend the hurt , the misery.....i am not as strong as everyone think i am... my sis told me i have to CONTAIN my sadness, BRUSH IT ASIDE, concentrate on my exams ... and not be a TOTAL FAILURE of my life....she seems rational and heartless like a machine,but she say i got to do it...but HOW? how to contain my sadness when this sadness is so much bigger than my heart, when this sadness is so heavy my hands n legs are shaking...so heavy its crumbling down, my life, my body , my soul , my heart crushed ....I am a total total failure....
i saw her in my room now, she is hugging me , she luvs a big hug everytime we r here, i love that too, i luv the way she wears my t-shirts n shorts she look like a small little girl...her pictures are everywhr my room, the monkey i brought wif me to taiwan to remind me of her....she says the monkey looks like me...the chocolates she gave me , i cldn't bear the heart to eat ,its still wif me rite beside my bed...her cards she wrote to me..the gifts, the happiness , the sadness, the quarrels , i see her making farnie faces at me now, i see her crying, i see her sleeping, eating jumping ard running, ,i can remember everything , everything all the way back when she came to my room after her prom nite..i remember all the happy moments we spent together, i miss her so much..... so much......i feel like dying...i wanna end all these misery... my hands are shaking as i type these...i feel so cold so cold...so alone.... i dun wan it to end....5 yrs of wonderful wonderful moments i spent wif her...pls dun let it end ...pls dun.... sob...

My Dream Girl

2005-05-06T01:08:00.000+08:00

My Dream Girl has the most amazing eyes i have ever seen,
big, round and beautiful... she possess that lovely smile wif her that never fails wash my sadness away...
she makes me smile by making farnie faces at me when i am unhappy, even she herself had a tired day at werk, she will try to stay happy whenever she is wif me...
Whenever she holds my hand her thumb has that tendency to slot inside my pocket, always gives me the sort of warmth that onli someone really really close n dear could give me...
She loves horror movies, she luvs the thrill of being scared by the scary movie~~
She is very good wif computers, any new gadgets, softwares,hardwares , she wld handle them wif ease...
she luvs to slp, everytime i watch her sleep, my heart wld melt, i wld make fun of her by putting a soccer ball either on her back or legs....then *snap* a picture of her slping posture..
She luvs eating but scared she might get fat, though no one is gonna stopping her now...
She loves to drink wif her friends, helps her relax for the tiring day...
She is a healthy girl though, she luv trekking in Nepal, taking beatiful pictures, experiencing the feeling of being on top of the world....
She luvs playing her music , especially percussion music...makes her feel good and relax~~
She is good wif kids, always making Neng Neng fun n happy ...she knows how to love
She is a loving person, she learns to love others, she appreciate pple's love, she repay's other's love, she spreads love all ard...
She has strong values, she believes in Karma, she will try to do the good things , she believes " everything happens for a reason"...

She loves her bf alot alot...so much so that she cldn't take it any more...not her fault though, thats becoz her lousy bf do not know how to appreciate her ,do not know how to love her ...neglect her, say the wrong things, hurts her , makes her feel miserable, all these after 5 yrs of a wonderful relationship n sweet memories... days in army thinking of her every night,....days in Taiwan outfield slping in the cemetery cold n hungry he missed her... he saw a shooting star, he wished deeply madly they will be together forever,....days in Thailand n brunei she is his pillar of strength, she is the ultimate reason he wanna come home, even todae the onli place he wanna go back to is her....he loved her deeply , but still he let her down...so she decided to leave him

As tears run down my eyes , this lousy bf is writing this blog seeking forgiveness...seeking help desperately....seeking redemption...seeking her love. He knows he is the cause of all things... he knows his mistakes...He knows he let her down...he is a lousy lousy bf.... He is DETERMINED to change, he is willing to learn how to love her, her family, her friends, her everything.....he is determined to learn how to appreciate her, care for her again.... until he learned to do that,until he knows he has changed , he hope she can wait for him and accept him again... becoz that lousy boyfriend will never ever love another girl ...all becoz SHE is my dream girl....

Road to Istanbul !!!!!!!!!!! Liverpool 1 Chelsea 0

2005-05-04T05:21:00.000+08:00

Guy Patterson in motion picture , That thing you Do, ask ," How did we get here??", while responding to their first ever live studio recording......

That the exact same feeling inside me now~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Since the dramatic match against olympiakos where liverpool fought back at the dying seconds to book a place in the top 16 of europe, Liverpool has beaten Bayern Levekusen, Juventus and now Chelsea! How on earth did they do that???? I waited 12 yrs for this moment, HOW DID WE GET HERE???

"Luis Garcia's controversial fourth-minute goal - television replays could not prove whether it had crossed the line before William Gallas cleared it - proved the decider at Anfield after the first leg had finished goalless.

The Kop even had to cope with six minutes of injury-time, with Gudjohnsen flashing a shot inches wide with the goal seemingly at his mercy.

Eventually the final whistle blew and Anfield erupted. It was, indeed, the stuff of legends. "---soccernet

Reds on their way to Istanbul ....... stay tuned

Reds Slay Old Lady ~ its in the Stars

2005-04-16T02:20:00.000+08:00

They did it again! another upset, another victory against all odds~~ Liverpool in the semi finals ~ the first CL semi since supporting them at a young age~ unbelievable yet true~Alonso is Back so is Cisse who broke his leg in august , suddenly liverpool looks good ~they now have to face chelsea who beat them 3times oredi this season...to reach the finals. All odds are once again, stacked highly against them~ Liverpool seems to be the true blue underdog story~ They prove the world is juz not the stage for the big guns.

Read an Article todae, very interesting~ read on:
1978: Pope john Paul I died ,
Wales rugby team won the grand slam,
Liverpool lost the League cup finals to the then English champions.

Liverpool won the european cup

2005:Pope john Paul II died ,
Wales rugby team won the grand slam again,
Liverpool lost the League cup finals to chelsea,the English champions.

Liverpool will win the euro cup?

1981:Prince charles got married to diana,
stars of hit TV drama coronation, Ken and Deirdre tie the knot ,
Liverpool finish 5th in table.

Liverpool won the european cup

2005:Prince charles got married again,
stars of hit TV drama coronation, Ken and Deirdre tie the knot again,
Liverpool finish 5th in table.

Liverpool will win the euro cup too?

Watever it is , i think the stars written it all~ wat do u think?

moody spirit roaming~~~

2005-04-14T02:02:00.000+08:00

Another 40 mins to go to the 2nd leg of Chamions league quater-finals Old Lady vs Reds again, looks like its the end of the road for the reds isn't it? without their captain , they now face not onli 80,000 juve fans plus the revenge minded italian giants.....it will take a hell of a dramatic miracle for them to pull thru, even if i insist they will carry on the Dream, somewhr deep inside my heart i noe chances are close to zero....

still got one more week b4 bing comes back... wondered how is she doin, miss her though.. hai

Liverpool~Nokia 6020 n Ah Bing~

2005-04-07T01:52:00.000+08:00

Liverpool BEAT the Old Lady last night~who wld have imagined that??!! one of the most dramatic matches i ever watch at Anfield, who wld have predicted Liverpool actually beating juve ??? THE WHOLE DARN WORLD condemmed the red heros to their death even b4 the match~ sob, Benitez and his boys once again make our dreams last alittle while more longer than everyone wld have thought , thks! u guys touched my heart!! truely ,madly, deeply~

Got my nokia fone todae~ cool phone wif nice features~ until i tried to uplaod the photos into my pc~ My PC DOESNT SUPPORT PARALLEL PORT! darn, in other words i cannot use infrared connection ~ arghhh, Moon suggested me to buy a infrared adaptor , thats a very good idea plus its not that ex as compared to the Nokia CA-42 USB cable which cost $90!! wanna load video clip of ah bing n her facial AcT! haha my mum says u can be actress leh~heehee

Lastly, another person who have touch my heart is AH BING~ your the best girl, the best i cld ever had~ luv u so much, when i heard u leaving for Nepal this Sat, my heart sank....nvr came across the idea of u not by my side has such an impact on me...its my fault oso not remembering the date u leaving for Nepal, i tot its in May ...hence it came to me as a bit shock when u told me the news last week...i realised i have neglected u, i am really really sorry dar~ once again i proved i am a lousy bf hai... but pls pls pls come back in one piece~ i will pray for ur safety~ i will make up for lost time!

Make us Dream~ Rafael !

2005-04-06T01:27:00.000+08:00

Alrights, this is it, isn't it?, 1 more hour to the decisive match i have been looking forward to for 3 whole weeks, Liverpool vs Juventus Champions League QuaterFinals...this has to be it, Liverpool toughest opposition so far~ Italian Giants vs the Red Tide~ will livepool's Dream run in europe end here todae? Excited n worried, plss plss let liverpool win. It has been a great week so far, Liverpool won despite not having any strikers, and Everton lost to WBA , narrowing our gap to onli 1 pt,to sum up a great week since a very long time for liverpool....n us the diehard fans of coz~

Will everything end todae? I dunno, n am worried like hell! one thing i believe though,not gerrard,nor the fans nor the team, i believe in Rafael Benitez. Its was he who despite all the injuries suffered brought us this far~ and i noe he can bring us further to glory, surely it wun end todae , surely not juz like that~~

One point Gap left!

2005-04-03T01:33:00.000+08:00

Liverpool beat Bolton 1-0!! juz one point gap left now to catch!, Benitez said b4 the game " I said we will close the gap when we were 12points apart, I dun see why we couldn't close the gap when its onli 4 pts" , and really MEANT wat he say! ooooOOOOwat a manager! Everton plsss plsss plsss lose tomolo! Even a Draw will do!

Junwei Did another classic todae, after shooting directly at Zhiliang he did his thing again todae at Qingbing~~ hahaha " Seryan n you are juz like Beauty n the Beast!"hahahaha Classic~!

Arhh tomolo is another long dae for me again~~but still i am looking forward to it, coz everything todae seems to go so smoothly, tomolo everton's match at 11pm is the deciding factor!

You Never Walk Alone!

Which "World" Would u wanna be in?

2005-04-03T01:15:00.000+08:00

I was day dreaming hafway thru my netwerking notes todae, things like new concepts in art, names of my new site, career, wat do to do during the holidaes...blah blah blah, circulating my head, filtering out most of the information i read on netwerking todae....suddenly *tink!* , i new concept strikes me~ an aim in life ,a light at the end of the tunnel i wld say...its been a long time since i got a aim in life, the last time i remember was to get my caricatures cg-ed, i did achieve tat though onli to be accompanied by a long long burn-out~ finally gotten over it now...glad i did~
My aim now is to publish my own children illustrated storybooks; picture books inspired by The Wolves in the wall by Neil Gaiman . I remember reading this book at kino 2 yrs ago while werking at epal, i still cldn't forget the illustration n the story ,brilliant book!~ My aim is , hopefully i can get a stable job in the day, then at night werk on the illustration books . Hopefully like Don(whose aim is to publish a comic book) , i can have my first illustration book published by 30 yrs old~(most probably will be using my own money though) hopefully it cld bring me far far away~~~~ *dreaming again*
That means i have to start werking on it now, gonna go to library borrow some really good children books, learn how they present it, learn wat kind of illustration will captivate not onli children but adults too~ of coz an original ,creative n exciting story line is very impt. ~ all these to be done after exams though..hai..back to reality , gonna wake up early AGAIN tomolo for mkting...ahhhHHHH i hate going to sch!!!

My blog todae clearly reflects wat an expert said on the "2 Worlds" that existed todae......

"There are only two worlds -- your world, which is the real world, and other worlds, the fantasy. Worlds like this are worlds of the human imagination: their reality, or lack of reality, is not important. What is important is that they are there. These worlds provide an alternative. Provide an escape. Provide a threat. Provide a dream, and power; provide refuge, and pain. They give your world meaning."

So my qns to u is, Which "World" do u wanna be in?

*I actually typed this yesterdae, somehow blogger managed to play a trick on me on April Fool day! i cldn't post this blog no matter wat last night~hopefully it werks this time~ *

Looking for ideas to name of my new site~~hmmm

2005-04-01T02:20:00.000+08:00

Another tiring day for me, i promise myself i am NOT going sch tomolo not matter wat!! sick of sch man, the journey is a killer... gonna finish up netwerking tomolo not matter wat.
Ah Bing gonna come out wif her own site soon , yey! she shld have done that long time ago, actually i like her web designs n concepts very much , juz that some how her designs lack smth, maybe experience ba, somehow not straight forward enough to bring the message across or unable to leave a strong impression,not becoz her concepts are lousy ,i think its becoz she can't really release her thoughts totally n the ability to effectively bring the Key msg of the site across... dunno how to bring this across to her oso , wait i hurt her feelings again~ but i am sure wif more exposure she will be thr in no time~~
i need a name for my site too! blackarte expired n its now taken... think its better i change blackarte, some pple actually mistook me for a negro! diao.... i think most likely will be www.greencolourpencil.com sounds cool~ rite? but abit long leh.... hmmm
i am hoping to combine poowers wif ah bing soon to come ou wif a flash animation~ it will be damn cool, plus very good portfolio for her n me so die die must accomplish that!

Stephen Chow

2005-03-30T00:50:00.000+08:00

Decided to load this up todae~ no particular reason why, hmm perhaps ..i dunno, juz wanna put this up~ :)

Tired Sad Happy~

2005-03-30T00:22:00.000+08:00

Tired, Sad and Happy day todae , tired due to whole day lecture in sch...hate sch man mainly coz of the super long journey thr n fro....sians , still got 4 more days this week to go!! arhh....

Sad coz of wat Nur (of all person) said todae, such sarcastic words,"study ah? " , everything "study ah?" wat does he trying to imply man, that i not joining them now coz i wanna study alone? Crap man~ watever man, he still dunno the girl beside him, mira the kind of person she is, damn jialat...

Happy coz ibrahim bro is well again! really really glad to hear that, sigh of relief , heard from him he might wanna give the exams a shot~ really good to hear that , Liverpool will win the Champions League this yr man , they will definately do it for ibrahim bro,as a kopite always says,
YOU NEVER WALK ALONE!

Tribute to Claudio Ciborra, ur the man~!

2005-03-28T22:29:00.000+08:00

Fell asleep wif the lights on last night, two full days of lecture really burn me out, onli to realise this morning this coming weekend BURN as well~~ Marketing! Darn...stress....set a target to finish all Ciborra's 4 articles by todae, 10.30pm now, still got one more article to go...Ciborra's writings is one of most difficult writings i ever read (not that i read many) , simple concepts he elaborated like some heaven n earth new found phenomenon~ crazy Dr.... sadly though, he died this yr 13th of Feb. Not that really really care, i admire his courage n thinking to deny all literature on formal analytical models n buisness structures and his notion of going back to basics theory... Radical , innovative , guts...we have to give credit to him man.
Azhar called todae , that he wanna share knowledge wif me, thats like the first time he did that? so weird ~
Bing got MC todae, she really has a weak body, hope she can REALLY do smth to it, go run or smth...dun make everyone worried for her...haiz.

alrights , shall finish up Ciborra todae as planned~ cao

BBQ~! had fun@!

2005-03-27T00:47:00.000+08:00

Juz came back from BBQ from ocean's hse, had a great time wif the funics gang~ they r really fun loving pple! really tired though~ been out since 8am in the morning! arhh whole weekend burn , sian.....but then glad to recieve the "Shock of the SEASON!" todae when i got back my ISDM mock paper, for the very first time i actually score higher marks than Azhar! he was like my shifu, he taught me everything i noe! unbelievable man...but still is juz a mock paper..how wish is the real thing and i wld be on my way to get a 2nd class honour! *diao* hmm that shows 2 things, 1st, Patricia's Mkt model answers framewerk werks for all my modules , i am able to get straight to the pt wif straight forward n very simple english which is a contrast to azhar's who likes to use chim chim intros...2nd pt, it dosen't matter how much articles or notes u have read or memorised , its really down to how u analyse the qns on the dae of exams , i luckily managed to wirte abit n thr on my own pt of view on that dae as i still have 30 mins of extra time when i finished my paper...and surprisely these 'anyhow wacked' pts of mine scored the key points! this is crazy man...but still azhar is a good buddy, the fact that he is willingly to share n teach me i can tell he is a good fren~ really appreciate that.
bing says she luv me alot todae~ hee so happy , i luv her alot too~ she wanted to noe the url of my blog, but i nvr gave her...which i dunno is the right thing to do as i have nvr hide things from her b4, but somehow a small part of me feels that this blog is a little space i can say my thoughts to....maybe she will found out eventually , i dun mind that to happen too actually ~:)
went to sgfriendster juz now, some replied that they were busy to attend the class gathering or smth like that and said that next time gathering shld be planned earlier... even though i am not the organiser, i felt that "who among us is willing to organised another outing again?" the gals? haha impossible man....its not like zhiliang,the organiser is expecting everyone to go, juz a small gathering wld be juz fine ba...but still there are pple who fly planes and all that...jw especially i mean i noe he promised his gf to accompany her on fri, but sometimes i really dunno wat is he thinking, gathering was like very hard to get pple to go and some pple i noe actually make time for it...while for gf , i am sure he can always meet wif gf next week as its onli 2 of them rite?plus its not like they got some celebration and his gf actually lives juz behind his block some more!
haiya.. i dunno...n qingbing!! rather lick boss boots and not come to gathering, ask him on wed whether he prefer thurs or fri night , he say fri night so we set on fri night then last min he say his boss got small dinner at his house for all employers cannot come... i dunno is tat wat we do in the real world? to suck up on bosses? bosses control u at werk, control ur mind by giving u nuthin but werk leaving u little time to think, took away ur time and slowly taking away our lives!!u go home after werk , the first thing u switch on ur Tv sets, u r again subjecting urself to ads n commercials used by capitalist to instill and stimulate the needs n wants in u to increase demands for thier goods , making u more dependent on them and again controlling u thru culture of mass media~~~wats this world going into??? i wish Marx lives todae man,but then even if he lives todae i dun think he can do much either....pple have slowly losing the sense n GUTS to think and was too dependent on the captalistic world for survival to be capable to reaching the so called "true class conciousness"..... in the end capitalist still rulez...its the way it is....it will nvr be changed.

p.s...even though i am a not-so hardcore marxist but then i do sometimes agree wif his sch of thought....especially at times when it seems like everything are against u, which happens like most of the time.~~ too much sociology liao arhh

Flying Kites~~

2005-03-25T17:09:00.000+08:00

Steamboat session cancelled due to poor response and some last min flying Kites~
i am down wif flu sigh... tomolo is another full day in sch ,UOL revision class. Somehow i feel really slack n lethargic as compared to last yr , cldn't find the mood , strength to study but i feel i have more control this time as in i actually KNOW wats going on~ going for dinner later wif Bing , as USUAL, northpoint~ wonder if she minds going to northpoint all the time. Accompanied Qingbing last week when his gf broke up wif him , realised they really been to alot of place in their 2.5 yrs together as a couple, they been to pubs, sitting and chatting by the river, restaurants blah blah blah~~ i've been to none of those in my 4 .5 yrs wif bing together....lousy bf~ lousy student~lousy son.... worried abt my dad's illness , hope he is alright.... why can't the both of us strike a normal conversation together without ME being irritated by wat he say most of the time? i noe its my fault, he is trying very hard i can tell, to understand me... i guess i am not doin enough as a son, i am always closing myself up even to my kakis, are they seeing the real me or masqueraded me? i guess the onli persons who realli noes me are Mum n Bing.......lousy son~lousy bf~ . ok i am getting depressed here...must be the medication i am taking for my flu~ argh
looking forward to funics gathering tomolo though,thats if i can make it in time~....hope they wait for me

wonder if i shld let Bing or anyone( xcept moon :) ) noe i am writing this blog...i always thought blogs are supposed to be secrets.... like little diaries. haha heck it...

My First ever attempt on CG~

2005-03-25T01:58:00.000+08:00

This is done ard last yr June, my first attempt on CG using mouse , even though its not really smth fantastic,
it did marked my first step towards adding colours in my werks......

Well wat am I going to do here?

2005-03-25T00:55:00.000+08:00

Well say Hi! to myself ~ i am not exactly a blog person , but some how i bumped myself into here.... is this really me? actually writing a blog ? haha sounds strange feels strange.... but somehow i am still here... hmm interesting to see how this little space shall evolve~